Your blue suitcase is empty, hey, what's your wait?

Erin McCarley is an artist I saw a few months ago at 8 x 10 in Fells Point.  She was a part of a ten-part show where there were ten, kind of unknown musicians from Tennessee all sharing one stage.  I went because I have been listening to one of the guys for a while and after I promised to pass out a few flyers and posters, I got in for free.  I don't really intend on using this blog for a "Music Review Center."  I love love love music, but I'm not going to pretend I know more about it than other people, and I find that most people don't think what I listen to is "cool enough."  But, all of that aside, I have to say, I bought Erin's new cd as soon as it came out today, and it's one of the best 7 dollars I've spent in a while.  I'm not usually fan of female singers either.  She has this awesome raspy, kind of always tired voice...maybe I like it so much because it's easy for me to sing along with it. Anyway, it's on iTunes and of course she's on MySpace.  My favorite song is Blue Suitcase.

 

Oh!  And, another CD I jsut bought was the new AAR one.  I LOVE it.  It's more like their old stuff with synthesizers and multiple voices singing at the same time.  LOVE LOVE LOVE it. My favorite song? Fallin' Apart.

The here and now

So, I realized that a lot of blogs are talking about this big, upcoming thing; China.  Well I wanted to write a blog that was talking a little bit about what I'm doing now.

The other night was my last Venture.  Of course I KNEW George was going to surprise me with something, because would always talk about how sad he was that I was leaving, so I knew it was just like him to make a a big deal out of it.  So, after the program was over, I saw George cueing Grace for a video that I did NOT know of...and that was it. He made a slide show of me in the last couple of years in Shockwave and Venture.  I started crying right away, and realized how much I was gonna miss everything and everyone from my last two years.  I know I'm only going for a few months, but I'm in such a sweet spot right now that it's hard to walk away from a group of people that support you and pull for you, all the time, no matter what.

So, here a couple of pictures of the last two years.  Starting with Mississippi, with all of my Mexico trips, pictures of the dteam in-between and my last year on staff.

My d-team, is one of a kind.  Seriously.  I know that we, as the d-team have told the story a million times, but when I met them in Mexico in 2006, I don't think I've ever felt as strongly about a group of people as I did them.  In 2006 I was still a student(which doesn't excuse my behavior towards them) and was rude to them.  Now, they weren't the most understanding group back.  When I became an intern I remember I was giving the choice between two d-teams; both of which couldn't stand me.  So, I chose "the freshmen."  I didn't know this would be a the life changing decision.  That next Sunday, the girls were walking around and asking who "Megan" was.  I asked them why they wanted to know and they said because "she was their new dteam leader." Then, I broke the news that their dteam was in fact, me.  The looks on their faces was hilarious.  And thats where it all started.

So, here are some pictures.

Mississippi.  The trip that broke my heart for the first time. Seeing people there, meeting people from here, and realizing that life is worth more than what we see with our eyes and that God wants so much more from us.

 

 

Mexico 2006.  Where I met even more Shockwave people, which eventually landed me an internship with Grace.

Mexico 2007

 

Mexico 2008

Finally, the Dteam...

and if you think we've improved....

That was us just the other night....

The ultimate expression of faith...

...is waiting and preparing.

 

I heard that the other day at church and it stung.  A lot.  I'm a horrible waiter.  Maybe it's my lack of faith, and I'm sure combined with my need for control and impatience, does not come out to a great mix.  I've waited these last two years and was a brat about it. 

Getting ready for China has been weird.  Not hard, not really that exciting(yet). I know things will change as time goes on.  I have no idea what to expect when I get there, so it's hard for me to wrap my head around any of it.  At the same time, it's kind of exciting not knowing anything.  I'm not freaking out about details, because I know in the end everything will get worked out.  For once, I have nothing to be in control of.  The only thing I need to do is make sure I'm at the airport for the plane taking off and then, it's all out of my hands.

I need to start letting go of it now though.  Not only am I a horrible waiter, but I'm bad at letting go of things.  I guess they are kind of along the same lines.

Well in the midst of all of this, (It takes me HOURS to write one of these because I think about more stuff in the middle of it, or pick up some kind of book that JUMPED into my arms..) a song came on that hits me every time...Well, two songs.  One of them talks about how His plans are often different than our own.  Another one is talking about how God continuously, comes to us.  We push and push and push, and yet, somehow, for some reason, he's still there.

I have despised my crown, I chose to place it down
running to catch the wind
Feet bruised and blistered now from chasing shadows around
a maze of empty promises

Am I still within your view
Have I gone too far for you to come to me

I see through broken glass a world of innocence past
Can you take me back to Eden
I’ve traded truth for lies, I’ve got no alibi
no excuses to remove this blame

Will you leave me here alone in my kingdom on my throne
I need a mutiny
Still you come to me
Why would you come to me

-Come to Me by Reilly

 

But there’s a different plan for me
Something better that I cannot see
And it can only be beautiful wherever you are

It’s a wonderful world I see when you’re in my eyes
I always lose sight of me when you’re in my eyes
I never want to move I never want to find
that I’ve wasted all my time away from beautiful you

-Beautiful You by Reilly

On the Road Again.

So, this week there is the National Youth Workers Conference in Nashville.  I love Nashville and I NYWC.  It will be refreshing, especially after Uprising, the weekend retreat that we just had for high school and middle school students.  I was originally going to fly and then the plane ticket was going to cost too much and then blah blah blah. So, moral of the story is, I drove.  It takes about 11 hours to drive to Nashville but Kayti lives in Jefferson City which is about 8 hours away from home and 3 hours from Nashville; thus, the perfect stopping point.

I love road tips.  I get excited thinking about them and they're always perfectly planned out because of my love for maps.  I hit a spot when I was almost half way to Jefferson City, where I asked myself, What are you doing.  It got a little bit boring for a time, but with a little Matt Wertz and Andy Davis, I was able to make it.

I got to stay with Kayti right outside of Knoxville at Carson Newman.  It was really good being able to see her before I leave for China.

At last, I had reached Nashville.  I don't know why, but I love Nashville.  The conference was nice.  It was relaxing to actually be apart of a program and not behind it. 

It was well done and intricate.   The conference is something I look forward to every year.  It was also nice to be with Chrissy for a while.  I saw her some when she was here this past summer but not for a long period of time. I realized how much I have changed.  In a good way.  I'm not the same person that showed up to the internship a couple years ago. 

I thought that driving would give me a chance to sort out things in my mind about China...but I rarely thought about it.  I guess because I've never been there, I have no idea what to expect.  It's hard to think about something that you've never seen.  I'm sure it'll be the plane ride over that gets me.  Either way, I can wait to see what God has for me in these next couple of months.

Beverly Hills, that's where I want to be...

Well, not really, but the song seemed to fit.  I recently took a trip to Hollywood. I probably will never go back.   I LOVED L.A. but Hollywood, not so much.  I felt unsafe and dirty the whole time I was there.  The great thing about it, is that is does have a lot of history.  But, it's become so over populated with tourists and people trying to sell you something, that it has lost a lot of it's character.

Nonetheless, it was a city I've never been to, and I'm always welcome for seeing new places.  Los Angeles has a TON of character.  The old downtown district is where you can see a lot Latino-type places to eat and shop.  Tons of culture there.  Beverly Hill and Bel Air, are EXACTLY how they are portrayed on television, overly exuberant and very materialistic.  Whatever floats your boat, but I cannot fathom spending so much money on things only for myself...

The weather was perfect all week.  Started off cool in the morning and would top off at 75 degrees, every day.  That's the kind of weather I could get used to.

 

This was the view from my hotel room, not too shabby.

Big News, Big Change, Big Life

So, in January, I'm moving to China.  I'll be working with Chrissy at her church, doing about the same thing I do at Grace. Programming and producing the various programs that we'll do.

In June, when I got to stay on staff with Grace, I knew there was a possibility of my job ending in December. So, I kept my eyes open.  I knew that I was going to be moving on from Grace, even if they had a job to offer me.  I could feel that God was preparing me for something huge.  Something different, and something that would take a lot of faith.  Then, Chrissy came home for a break, and we talked, and I had this urge to talk to her about China.   So, a couple emails and college applications later, I had a job and was accepted to a University in the heart of Shanghai.

I'll be leaving the first week in January.  If you ask me how I feel about it, I'll tel you I'm not sure.  It's exciting and challenging all at the same time.  Lately I've noticed how much people and things change in short amounts of time, and I know I'm bound to miss a lot.  I'm also going to be seeing a lot as well.  So,I'm mixed about it all.  It's the biggest leap I've ever taken and will be way outside of my box.

I'll be keeping everyone updated through this site.  Talking about getting everything ready and then how life is once I get over there.

 

Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

Hebrews 12 1-3 (The Message)

what about taking this, empty cup...

..and filling it up, with a little bit more of innocence...

Wake up everyone

How can you sleep at a time like this, unless the dreamer is you.

Sometimes, listening to a little Jason Mraz makes me feel better about everything. Something about his voice, I dunno, we go way back. Ask Kate, she'll tell you the endless days in summers, dating all the way back to 2003 where we would download every Jason Mraz song and sing at the top of our lungs through the phone.

If you haven't read "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne, I suggest you get on that, because it will make you think about things in a whole different light and make you want to make some real changes in your life.

I would go on some 4 page rant right now, but it's getting late, and I still have a good part of the book left to read....

Download:

Starfield - Hosanna
Jason Mraz - Make it Mine, Lucky, Live High (it's different than what you would expect from him), For the Love of Child, Details in the Fabric, Who Needs Shelter
Seabird - Rescue
Bethany Dillon - Exodus

When did it get to be 1:30 am?? I hope I don't oversleep for church tomorrow....

I'll take the truth at any cost.

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole

Lock the doors
Cause I'd like to capture this voice
That came to me tonight
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights
I'll show myself it wasn't forged
We're at war
We live like this

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole

Tower over me
Tower over me

And I'll take the truth at any cost

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole

At any cost? Are you sure?

You tell me...

21Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

22At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Mark 10:21

So, the past day or two, I've been reading this book by Shane Claiborne called "The Irresistible Revolution" and some of the things that he has said in that book have really made me go....uhhhh greeaaattt. What I mean by that is I feel like the past couple weeks God has preparing me for a challenge. You know, the kind where he drops a hint here, and then whispers something over there and before you know it, you've got this huge step of faith to do. Well in the past two weeks, the verse shown above has popped up in 8 different situations...(did I count? uhhh, you bet). My first reaction is when I hear this verse is to think, "Okay God, I'll give everything away but can I keep _______" And then, my second reaction is to think of how this would look like. What exactly does selling all of my possessions and just do whatever God tells me. Then, I remember, that it doesn't matter what it looks like. If it's really what God is telling me, who cares what it looks like, I should be doing it anyway.
Well, I'm not really sure what will be going on in the next few weeks, but I'm going to be trying my best to make a lot of changes. I want to eat out less, spend less money, be more compassionate, and at the end of the day, just demonstrate a person of God, the person that God put me on this earth to be.

"I remember hearing about an old comic back in the days of St. Ed's. Two guys are talking to each other, and one of them says he has a question for God. He wants to ask why God allows all of this poverty and way and suffering to exist in the world. And his friend says, "Well, why don't you ask?" The fellow shakes his head and says he is scared. When his friend asks why, he mutters, "I'm scared God will ask me the same question." Over and over, when I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, "You tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet." The Irresistible Revolution

Uhhhh....greeeaattt.

how nice of you to drop in.

Oh, hey blogging world. So lately, I've been journaling in my paper journal. I've spent hours and hours and dollars and more dollars on my iced white mochas which slowly turned into 5 shot-iced double shots. After a few sips of either of those drinks, I was ready and willing to write any and everything that came to mind...so, my goal is to kind of virtualize my journal onto here, and my ultimate goal (work with me on this one) is to keep up with this blog as well as my written stuff...but...we shall see. I'm also going to date stuff back to the day i actualy wrote it, so that way, more for my self, I'll have a record of it. I love nothing more than to look back on what happened months ago and see the growth I have done, and sometimes seen how I've declined a little as well.
Let's see how this works out...

hmm..

Ha, so needless to say, that idea of plugging everything into here, didn't work. Guess I just better try not to lose that book....

So lately, I've had this feeling that I'm on the brink of something. I can't say exactly what is it, and when I get there, I'll let you know.

I see the generation
rising up to take their place
with selfless faith
selfless faith

I see a new revival
stirring as we pray and sing
we're on our knees
on our knees

heal my heart and make it clean
open up my eyes to the things unseen
show me how to love like you
have loved me
break my heart for what is yours
everything I am for your kingdom's cause
as I walk from earth into eternity

I listen to this song at least 10 times everyday, and these are the lines that catch me every-time. I always turn it up and soak in all of the words. I've talked to some of my friends and we've all come up with the same conclusion (individually), that we're ready for a revolution. We're ready to change the world. It's not gonna happen with a president that just simply has the word "change" in his slogan. It's going to happen through us. This generation. We're ready for it. We're finding all the flaws in the American Dream and it's time we did something about it. I'm not sure where God wants me putting on this energy. But I'm ready. Send me.

east or west?

Flying west at sunrise was experience that really got me thinking. The sun is rising but we're constantly running away from it. We're running from this new day, desire to stay int he darkness, but no matter fast a plane can fly, the day will atch up to us. Even when we can't quite see the sun, the dark is no loner as dark and there is no denying that there is light. But eventually, you have a layover, and before you know it, the day is fully started. It's the same way with driving west while the sun is setting. You want so badly to hold onto the day. The sun never seems to set, but evetually you will need to stop for that strech break, and before you know it, it's dark outside and there is no way to catch back up to the day.
I think people, including myself, live a life running west. We want so baly to hold onto the past, hold onto what we know. Who what this new arkness could bring, or what ths new light could reveal. No matter how fast or hard you go, the next will always catch up. Wheather you stop for that rest stop, wait for the layover, or maybe, you never stopped along the way, and find yourself on the west coast, with nowhere to go, but to just wait for it to catch up. I think most people live a life looking west, looking to what they know. How many of us are honestly east travelers? Not just open and waiting for the new to coming, but walkng toward it, embracing it? The walk will be just as long, its still 3000 miles to the opposite coast, its just a matter of whether you approach and process things as they come up, or if you leave it all behind and let it all catch up at one overwhelming moment. The moment you realize, the unknown comes no matter what.

So they tell me...

They tell me theres songs reserved for angels
Would you sing me one, a stranger
Just to prove your love?

They tell me you've given poor men kingdoms
And handed guilty, freedom
And taken on their stains
And your love will never change
Your love will never change

They tell me that you dwell with good and evil
In alleys and cathedrals
Shadows and the light

They tell me that you hold the world together
Not from guilt, but pleasure
And you somehow know my name
And your love will never change
Your love will never change

So tell me theres nothing that you cant do
And you'll love me though Ive hurt you
And that you'll take my blame
And your love will never change
Your love will never change

How is this possible? Honestly. This is a concept a I cannot grasp. How is it that You can love us, as we constantly evolve, and sometimes into people that would not make you proud. How can I love someone the same, when they're constantly becoming this different person. I hope and pray that I can demonstrate the same unchanging love, but I know for a fact that my love for each individual person changes from day to day. I hate that it does.

Lord, if I'm the clay, let your living water flow.

Sometimes I'll be in the kitchen, doing something as simple as getting a drink of water and then it hits me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I think of all of the things that He has given me to remind me of the water that He is. The parts of me that are cracked and dry, can be healed with some of the many things he provides.

friends, laughing, music, trust, grace, life, hope, confidence, understanding, eyes, ears, hands, faith, guidance, a home, the way, lessons, opportunities, m-e-r-c-y, desire, own will, fellowship, voices of truth

...and so much more. I just need to remember that. Maybe, if I remember, I can just take these sips of water that God is constantly putting out there for me, I'll stay hydrated.

For the past couple of days, I'll start a blog and then get stuck, walk away and never come back to it. I had 7 drafts sitting on the folder, all unfinished, all not really saying a whole lot of anything.
News: I am on staff at Grace. Not an intern, or resident, but on. staff. It's amazing. I'm so excited for it. It's just temporary until they find a new director for Shockwave, but I wouldn't want a long-term job anyway. I'll be over seeing Sunday nights and and be the person to call with questions. Mexico is a go. I couldn't be more excited for both roles. Getting to help with Shockwave and lead a trip to Mexico. God really placed all the people in the right places for Mexico to clear, but His will shall be done. We're taking a much smaller group but we have some key leaders going who I'm excited to work with. Everything is starting to click right now. I'm starting to realize why last year happened and I was reminded that with God, we've got to just keep holding on, and that everything really is His time, which is the right timing.
So, right now, I'm just trying to catch up with starting classes, starting a new job and planning a trip to Mexico all in the same week. It's a tad bit stressful, but it good stress. It's a good change of pace seeing how I sat in my house for weeks after my surgery. Back to normal (whatever that means), real life, and I'm loving it.

Don’t let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.
1 Timothy 4:12

I just showed up for my own life.

My name is Foreigner
From a far away land
My feet are covered in earth
They've been here and back again
And I have seen
Great things from a distance
They beckon me
I follow them

And I move forward
I move forward
I move forward to home, to home

My eyes are soft and wise
They tell a story
Of things left behind
Defeat and glory

And I push every hindrance aside


New semester on Monday. New expectations. The weird thing is, I feel like Christmas break was a time of brand new things. Like, I just started over. It's weird. A lot of things changed. I feel like I changed, things that I used to know changed. With Shockwave changing and getting an answer about Mexico, it's weird. Mexico is going to be awesome, and I'm leading it. The other night I was telling Amy how much I hate being 19, and how I feel that I get held back because of it. I also said that I wish I was just 30, married and had kids, because people always seem to listen to people who are older and married. But in one day, being 19 didn't matter. In one day I was offered two huge roles. Amy said, "If you have this much influence at 19, what will you be when you're 30 with kids." I don't know. Kind of a scary and exciting thought. But definitely an exciting thought.

It's funny, because something happened the other day that made me so mad and upset and just made me feel worthless. I was sitting in my car, yelling/crying/screaming at God and just asking, why. I was pissed. Why do I always find myself in these situations? Why do they always end up the same way? Then, out of nowhere a got a phone call for a meeting that turned it all completely around.

I'm glad I got my hopes up.

I move forward

to home.

How do we know where home is? Why is it constantly on my heart to get up and leave but when I think really think about it, I feel so heartbroken. I mean seriously, last night, I just THOUGHT about what it would look like for me to leave, and I started crying. I mean, why do I have desires that I'm not even sure I'm supposed to do anything about. A month ago, I was certain I am supposed to stay here. I still am pretty certain, but then, why do these things keep coming up. I don't know. Ugh.

God is always present, we're the ones who show up.

So, 3 hours, and about 200 miles west, you can Creek Lake and Wisp are. The trip up there wasn't quite as short as 3 hours because of the snow find yourself in McHenry, Maryland, where Deep storm that decided to come through right as I was leaving town. So this time around, it was 5 hours and 4 stops later, that I eventually found myself in McHenry.
There isn't a whole lot going on around there, but at the same time, just enough. It's a shame that I didn't find out about the "just enough" part until the last day I was there. Pat works allllll day so I had to wait until he got off work to have someone to hang out with. So from, 7am-7pm I was on my own. The first day, I thought I would ride into town, which happens to be 15 miles away, and see what was going on there. Well, they've got a Wal-Mart and a future site of Lowes, and that's about it. So all the sudden, I got this bright idea, that I would just go to a coffee shop and hang out. I went up to the customer service desk at the Wal-Mart, and the people looked at me as if I were crazy and told me that there weren't any coffee shops, but there was this cute store that I could probably go to "study." They sent me to an antique shop, with no place to sit and chill at all. So, I read in my car a bit, before the 4:30 showing of "27 Dresses" and by the time those huge adventures were over, Pat was home.
On the way to dinner that night, Pat showed a coffee shop not more than 5 miles on the outside of the town we were staying in. Awesome. I spent my day searching far and wide and there was one right under my nose. I spent from 12-5 on Saturday starting, reading and finishing "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. It was good. It hit me the same "Sex God" did. Some parts took forever to get through, and other parts still have stuck in my mind.
One part that stuck out to me was when he said,

Somewhere in you is the you whom you were made to be. We need you to be you. We don't need a second anybody. We need the first you. (pg. 97)

This isn't something I struggle with a lot, but I think it's always refreshing to be reminded that we, the way we are, were made for a purpose.
What did I learn from this trip? That finding a chance to experience some real peace and a much needed quiet time, mixed in with lot of laughs and some good conversation with one of your best friends, is worth a 5 hour drive in the snow, anytime.

small towns and dirty houses.

So, yesterday through the storm, I was determined to make it out to Deep Creek. To sit around and do nothing. That's what I've done. There is something about being away from home and doing nothing that makes it different than being home and doing nothing. So, its not bad. The only thing that sucks is I went all the way into town today (where there is a 24 hour Wal Mart, they don't mess around out here) and asked someone if there was a coffee shop around that I could go and everyone just kind of looked at me. One woman was like, "Well, what exactly do you mean?" and I go, "You know, a Starbucks, or just somewhere I can sit for a while and read/study?" Nothing. They didn't even know what Starbucks was. Crazy.

Sidenote: Pat is asleep on the couch next to me and definitely just rolled over, gave me, Justice and Kevin the dirtiest look, mumbled something and then went right back to sleep. Then Kevin asked him, "What...?" and Pat just stared at him and didn't say anything. Haha, priceless.

This is my adventure. I'm not sure when I'm heading home. I think I have to tomorrow night, because the guys are getting kicked out of there apartment because the other guy is coming home. Who knows, I definitely having pictures and videos, so they'll be up when I get home.

Well, my heart knows me better than I know myself...

...so I'm gonna let it do all the talking.

I had a meeting this morning and I'm not sure how it went over. "Have faith." Yeah, I'm trying. Tell my mind that when its racing at 95 mph and thinking of every which way that this ONE decision could go. One thing that this whole process has taught me (even though its only been like, two weeks, feels like forever) is I know who is sticking by me. There are some people in my life that I had no idea would support me so much and it's been awesome having God show me them.

Waiting. I guess this what I bargained for when I said last week "Teach me to wait in the moments of my need." I'm definitely being taught. Everyone hates to wait, but most of the time, its the thing to do. In the last two years, God has had me do a lot of waiting. I'm getting better at it. Really. I'm actually starting to really enjoy being here. I know, right? It's crazy. I'm finding purpose in being here, instead of anywhere else. Weird.

Today is kind of a bum day. Filled with a whole lot of nothing. But tomorrow, tomorrow will be busy and fun and awesome. I've wanted a busy day for a while now, and here it comes! Then, tomorrow night, I'm going to Deep Creek for a night or two, to see Pat and Jay. That will be fun because it'll be a whole lot of nothing with people. The key words being "with people." Anything is fun for me if there are people to hang out with. And, it'll be fun because it's me, Pat and Jay. Duh.

Don't get mad, get glad.

Yeah, no. That doesn't work with me. In fact, when I'm mad or frustrated, I need you to either tell me that you agree with why I'm mad, or not say anything at all. At least at that moment. If a few days have passed and you think I'm wasting my time being upset about it, let me know. I can assure you that telling me within the first 24 hours of it, that I'm wrong, will not do any good.
After talking to someone today about it, and having him get really mad about it, I'm good. It was like, I needed someone to just yell with, and I'm good. I realize that if I stay cool through it all, it'll work out. Might be a bit different than what I expected, but it'll work. Good thing there are people to vent to, because I'm pretty sure I would explode. I'm excited for this year, and this summer, and everything else.

And right now, I keep listening to The Apathy Eulogy. I haven't in a while, but I've wanted to lately.

He said, you've got some chances to take
Girl, don't run away
This isn't fate
It's ambition - a conscious decision
To sever all your ties and become the one that you always hoped to be

or the classic...

You can be my rescue when I need an outlet from what's bringing me down
I will stand by everything I said to bring us to where we are now

All this driving isn't easing anything I thought it would
But I keep on driving
I'm avoiding finding peace in the place I should

Haha. I don't know. I feel like I'm all over the place right now. I want to get up and jump around, but I also want to go to bed. I don't get it. I cannot wait until next week.

Another classic Kristen Hoover story.

So, lately, I've been writing these huge blogs with deeper meanings so here is my attempt to lighten it up a bit.

Tonight, Emily and I went to White Marsh. We had dinner at the mall, and then walked over to the movies. Not a long walk, but you have to walk across two streets, with a good amount of stand still traffic. So we just waited for the light to turn red and made our move. We were crossing the last one and there was a curb you had to step up on. Well, I guess my feet decided NOT to step up onto the curb, and I tripped. Ladies and gentlemen, did I not ONLY trip, but I fell too. I mean, face in the grass, dirt stain on my jeans, fell. I must be turning into Amy.

To all of you Honeygo Boulevard-ers, it was my pleasure.

For returned phone calls, Thank You Lord.

So, a few days ago I wrote the blog "Now, don't go and get your hopes up Kristen" and told one of my best friends about it. We were talking about the trip and how excited we were getting about it. I had mentioned how I was kind of trying to "not get my hopes too high" and he was like "Kristen, if your hopes weren't high, I wouldn't think you would want this trip to happen, your hopes are what make you."

For supportive and encouraging friends, Thank You Lord.
For endless opportunities-

So I am not even joking when I say this, right in the middle of writing "For endless opportunities..." right as I was going to type "Thank You Lord," Brian Donahue called me. We ended up talking for an hour about everything. Amazing and not to mention SO encouraging.

For endless opportunities, Thank You Lord.
For chances we don't deserve, Thank You Lord.
For believing in us when no one us else does, Thank You Lord.

For getting our hopes up, Thank You Lord.

Oooooh my my.

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line?
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Break my heart for what is yours.

I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Staring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Hosanna

^Starfield does an awesome version of this song.

I thought age would tell the secrets
But the secrets are still secret
And the years are passing by.

Teach me to wait in the moments of my need.

So close.

So tonight, I was two turns away from just driving to Deep Creek. I never thought I would get so tired of, nothing. But, I ended up deciding that if Pat called me before 7, I would go up there, but no later because then I would get up there late and just be tired once I got there. He called me at 7:30. So, as tempting as it was, I didn't go; which is now a good thing because I think I'm getting sick. Ugh. Tomorrow morning will be one of those mornings that I could wake up and feel totally fine, or wake up and just feel, bleh. So, I'm hoping for the 1st one.
But, on a much more positive note. I only have one more step in this part of the process to get things rolling for this summer. Of course, there could be a lot of other things that could make it difficult, but if it passes this next stage, it will look more promising than ever. So, pray pray pray for me and the other people involved in this that we get the okay to continue planning, because I'm starting to get really excited about it.

On a night like this...

Right now, I feel like God is opening so many doors. Just one after another. I can't explain the feeling. It's been so long since I really have felt like things were working out. It's probably been a year. Since Eric died this time last year, and with everyone leaving, it just hasn't been easy, and sometimes it's been weird. I feel like the mourning of the change is finally over and I'm starting to come back to life again. I'm starting to get back to my old self. The crazy, funny, positive self that I was a year and a half ago. The person I was before my internship at the church. Don't get me wrong, I've changed a lot for the good in the past year and a half, but I lost sight of parts of myself, that I think are finally coming back. Thank God, what a feeling.
I really feel that the things I'm pursuing right now are things only of God. I know that they are of God because God is constantly giving me the strength and the heart to keep going with them. Not to get discouraged when something doesn't quite go the way I thought, but to look for the other door. It's not that everything I've done in the past couple of months wasn't of God, but I don't think I heard Him clearly on some things and I gave a lot of energy to stuff that my heart wasn't even into, which made it even harder. Everything is turning around, and I love it.

Now, don't go and get your hopes up, Kristen.

My dad would always say that. I would tell him this HUGE idea that I had dreamed up, or told him a story of something that might just work out, and he would throw that at me.
Well, I think that as soon as you think up the idea, your hopes are up. But what's wrong with that? So, I'll be more upset in the end if it doesn't work out. What if we walked around life not getting our hopes up about anything? How boring would that be? We wouldn't be able to express or even have passion for anything.
This is something I believe in. Something I'm willing to fight for. Something that I'm not just gonna let slip away because there are challenges in the way. If my hopes weren't so high, I wouldn't want it so bad, and I would run the risk of letting it slip through my fingers. So yeah, I've gone and gotten my hopes; I'm okay with that.

Awaken what’s inside of me
Tune my heart to all You are in me
Even though You’re here God come
And may the vision of You
Be the death of me
And even though you’ve given everything
Jesus come

Here we go, life's waiting to begin, tonight.

I wanna have the same last dream again,
the one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within,
my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know,
my dearest friends,
even if your hope has burned with time,
anything that's dead shall be re-grown,
and your vicious pain, your warning sign,
you will be fine.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

Any type of love - it will be shown,
like every single tree reach for the sky.
If you're gonna fall,
I'll let you know,
that I will pick you up
like you for I,
I felt this thing,
I can't replace.
Where everyone was working for this goal.
Where all the children left without a trace,
only to come back, as pure as gold,
To recite this all.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me

Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me),
and here we go, life's waiting to begin (do this with me).
Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me).
And here we go, life's waiting to begin.

I love you, and that's what you are getting yourself into.

I don't know what it is. I've sat here for the last 2 hours trying to write a blog. I would have have a page down of ideas and words and then I would sit there and read it back to myself and realize that I wasn't really feeling that way at all. Or I would get half way through and not even realize what I was talking about, so therefore, how could have possibly followed it? One thing that I'm certain about is today I realized how grateful I am for everyone in my life. That's what I think I love the most about Sundays. I go to church and realize that without last year, I wouldn't know the people I know now. Some of the people I've met in the last year are some of the people I go to the most. Sundays, are probably my favorite day of the week. Sometimes it might be the only time that whole week I think about God, that's not something I'm proud of, but every Sunday I get to be reminded where I was, where I am now, and how much of a difference that has made in my life. It's what I got myself into, and I'm glad I did.

"I am convinced...

....being generous is a better way to live.
I'm convinced forgiving people in a better way to live.
I'm convinced having compassion is a better way to live.
I'm convinced pursuing peace in every situation is a better way to live.
I'm convinced listening to the wisdom of others is a better way to live.
I'm convinced being honest with people is a better way to live."

-Rob Bell in Velvet Elvis

Compassion. After reading that quote in the book, I had to look this word up. Sure, I've heard it a million times, and I knew it was along the same lines as "love" and all of those other Christian words we use and then move on.

com·pas·sion /kəmˈpæʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhm-pash-uhn] -noun

1.	a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

What an awesome word. I had no idea that it had two parts to it. I think it's important that we are constantly loving on people and compassion is such a huge part of love. If we're not reaching out and really experiencing the pain with people, how can we say that we know what they're going through and help them?


When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.
Matthew 9:36

With the circumstances of what has been going on in the past 48 hours, I just wonder what makes someone to run, from everything that is known and supportive and go towards something they have no clue about, something that can't possible guarantee any safety?

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
-Jaimie Tworkowski of To Write Love On Her Arms

amazing because it is.

grace.

There's this weird fine line in grace. You want to be there for someone, but you can't let yourself get walked on. You've got to be able to tell them when they're messing up, but make sure that you're there for them at the end of it. How? How do you talk to someone about what they're doing and how it's affecting other people, and have them know that I still love them the same. Most people will automatically assume you're judging them, and go into defense mode. They'll think that because of all they've done they are worth less and you, or anyone else couldn't possibly care for them.
Leading students is hard. You never know what your job will be when you sign up, but somehow God makes it work out. I really hope God works this out. I know he will in some way, but selfishly I hope it's the way we're all praying for.

Alisha and I be at White Marsh Mall from 6-10:30ish tonight. Looking, hoping, waiting, praying. Stop by, call me, text me, pray for us. It'll be fine, right?

On a way lighter note, I just came across this article in Time Magazine about Rob Bell! It's kind of cool.

TWLOHA

I heard of this a couple months ago. I was at a show in Baltimore and I noticed some guy wearing a shirt that said it. I thought maybe it was a band but then I was wondering why I've seen so many musicians with shirts just like it on. Not that musicians are self-absorbed, but it's not often you'll see a band promoting another band at their set. I looked it up and found more about it. It's an awesome non-profit organization "which aims to present hope and find help for young people struggling with depression, self-injury, addiction, and suicide." I was reading the story behind the organization and why this guy started it, and I came across a quote that I loved; it said:

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, and is revealed in our love.

-Jamie Tworkowski, Founder of To Write Love On Her Arms

It's so true. We've just gotta keep extending love to people. A seed can't grow in an unsuitable enviornment. Check it out: To Write Love On Her Arms. It's going to be on my sidebar with all of my other links from now on, because there is something about this that really interests me. The story behind it is amazing.

If we stop remembering, we may forget. And that's when the trouble comes.

There is so much to enjoy, yet we fixate on something we don't have.
This is why gratitude is so central to the life God made us for. Until we can center ourselves on what we do have, on what God has given us, on the life we do get to live, we'll constantly be looking for another life. That is why the word remember occurs again and again in the Bible. God commands his people to remember who they are, where they've been, what they've seen, what's been done for them. If we stop remembering, we may forget. And that's when the trouble comes.
-Rob Bell "Sex God"

I have read this quote over and over again to myself, a lot. When I first read it in his book I felt like it was written for me. I felt so convicted, knowing that I am guilty of not remembering anything I have and concentrating on what I've lost. In my defense, in the past year, I have lost a lot. But I am certainly not shallow enough to believe I have not gained the same amount.

I haven't read the quote in a while and after some news I received today, it was only fitting that God would have me stumble upon it. So all I have to do is remember? It's that easy, right? Then why is it that I feel like for me, when I remember, that's when the trouble comes?