I just showed up for my own life.

My name is Foreigner
From a far away land
My feet are covered in earth
They've been here and back again
And I have seen
Great things from a distance
They beckon me
I follow them

And I move forward
I move forward
I move forward to home, to home

My eyes are soft and wise
They tell a story
Of things left behind
Defeat and glory

And I push every hindrance aside


New semester on Monday. New expectations. The weird thing is, I feel like Christmas break was a time of brand new things. Like, I just started over. It's weird. A lot of things changed. I feel like I changed, things that I used to know changed. With Shockwave changing and getting an answer about Mexico, it's weird. Mexico is going to be awesome, and I'm leading it. The other night I was telling Amy how much I hate being 19, and how I feel that I get held back because of it. I also said that I wish I was just 30, married and had kids, because people always seem to listen to people who are older and married. But in one day, being 19 didn't matter. In one day I was offered two huge roles. Amy said, "If you have this much influence at 19, what will you be when you're 30 with kids." I don't know. Kind of a scary and exciting thought. But definitely an exciting thought.

It's funny, because something happened the other day that made me so mad and upset and just made me feel worthless. I was sitting in my car, yelling/crying/screaming at God and just asking, why. I was pissed. Why do I always find myself in these situations? Why do they always end up the same way? Then, out of nowhere a got a phone call for a meeting that turned it all completely around.

I'm glad I got my hopes up.

I move forward

to home.

How do we know where home is? Why is it constantly on my heart to get up and leave but when I think really think about it, I feel so heartbroken. I mean seriously, last night, I just THOUGHT about what it would look like for me to leave, and I started crying. I mean, why do I have desires that I'm not even sure I'm supposed to do anything about. A month ago, I was certain I am supposed to stay here. I still am pretty certain, but then, why do these things keep coming up. I don't know. Ugh.

God is always present, we're the ones who show up.

So, 3 hours, and about 200 miles west, you can Creek Lake and Wisp are. The trip up there wasn't quite as short as 3 hours because of the snow find yourself in McHenry, Maryland, where Deep storm that decided to come through right as I was leaving town. So this time around, it was 5 hours and 4 stops later, that I eventually found myself in McHenry.
There isn't a whole lot going on around there, but at the same time, just enough. It's a shame that I didn't find out about the "just enough" part until the last day I was there. Pat works allllll day so I had to wait until he got off work to have someone to hang out with. So from, 7am-7pm I was on my own. The first day, I thought I would ride into town, which happens to be 15 miles away, and see what was going on there. Well, they've got a Wal-Mart and a future site of Lowes, and that's about it. So all the sudden, I got this bright idea, that I would just go to a coffee shop and hang out. I went up to the customer service desk at the Wal-Mart, and the people looked at me as if I were crazy and told me that there weren't any coffee shops, but there was this cute store that I could probably go to "study." They sent me to an antique shop, with no place to sit and chill at all. So, I read in my car a bit, before the 4:30 showing of "27 Dresses" and by the time those huge adventures were over, Pat was home.
On the way to dinner that night, Pat showed a coffee shop not more than 5 miles on the outside of the town we were staying in. Awesome. I spent my day searching far and wide and there was one right under my nose. I spent from 12-5 on Saturday starting, reading and finishing "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell. It was good. It hit me the same "Sex God" did. Some parts took forever to get through, and other parts still have stuck in my mind.
One part that stuck out to me was when he said,

Somewhere in you is the you whom you were made to be. We need you to be you. We don't need a second anybody. We need the first you. (pg. 97)

This isn't something I struggle with a lot, but I think it's always refreshing to be reminded that we, the way we are, were made for a purpose.
What did I learn from this trip? That finding a chance to experience some real peace and a much needed quiet time, mixed in with lot of laughs and some good conversation with one of your best friends, is worth a 5 hour drive in the snow, anytime.

small towns and dirty houses.

So, yesterday through the storm, I was determined to make it out to Deep Creek. To sit around and do nothing. That's what I've done. There is something about being away from home and doing nothing that makes it different than being home and doing nothing. So, its not bad. The only thing that sucks is I went all the way into town today (where there is a 24 hour Wal Mart, they don't mess around out here) and asked someone if there was a coffee shop around that I could go and everyone just kind of looked at me. One woman was like, "Well, what exactly do you mean?" and I go, "You know, a Starbucks, or just somewhere I can sit for a while and read/study?" Nothing. They didn't even know what Starbucks was. Crazy.

Sidenote: Pat is asleep on the couch next to me and definitely just rolled over, gave me, Justice and Kevin the dirtiest look, mumbled something and then went right back to sleep. Then Kevin asked him, "What...?" and Pat just stared at him and didn't say anything. Haha, priceless.

This is my adventure. I'm not sure when I'm heading home. I think I have to tomorrow night, because the guys are getting kicked out of there apartment because the other guy is coming home. Who knows, I definitely having pictures and videos, so they'll be up when I get home.

Well, my heart knows me better than I know myself...

...so I'm gonna let it do all the talking.

I had a meeting this morning and I'm not sure how it went over. "Have faith." Yeah, I'm trying. Tell my mind that when its racing at 95 mph and thinking of every which way that this ONE decision could go. One thing that this whole process has taught me (even though its only been like, two weeks, feels like forever) is I know who is sticking by me. There are some people in my life that I had no idea would support me so much and it's been awesome having God show me them.

Waiting. I guess this what I bargained for when I said last week "Teach me to wait in the moments of my need." I'm definitely being taught. Everyone hates to wait, but most of the time, its the thing to do. In the last two years, God has had me do a lot of waiting. I'm getting better at it. Really. I'm actually starting to really enjoy being here. I know, right? It's crazy. I'm finding purpose in being here, instead of anywhere else. Weird.

Today is kind of a bum day. Filled with a whole lot of nothing. But tomorrow, tomorrow will be busy and fun and awesome. I've wanted a busy day for a while now, and here it comes! Then, tomorrow night, I'm going to Deep Creek for a night or two, to see Pat and Jay. That will be fun because it'll be a whole lot of nothing with people. The key words being "with people." Anything is fun for me if there are people to hang out with. And, it'll be fun because it's me, Pat and Jay. Duh.

Don't get mad, get glad.

Yeah, no. That doesn't work with me. In fact, when I'm mad or frustrated, I need you to either tell me that you agree with why I'm mad, or not say anything at all. At least at that moment. If a few days have passed and you think I'm wasting my time being upset about it, let me know. I can assure you that telling me within the first 24 hours of it, that I'm wrong, will not do any good.
After talking to someone today about it, and having him get really mad about it, I'm good. It was like, I needed someone to just yell with, and I'm good. I realize that if I stay cool through it all, it'll work out. Might be a bit different than what I expected, but it'll work. Good thing there are people to vent to, because I'm pretty sure I would explode. I'm excited for this year, and this summer, and everything else.

And right now, I keep listening to The Apathy Eulogy. I haven't in a while, but I've wanted to lately.

He said, you've got some chances to take
Girl, don't run away
This isn't fate
It's ambition - a conscious decision
To sever all your ties and become the one that you always hoped to be

or the classic...

You can be my rescue when I need an outlet from what's bringing me down
I will stand by everything I said to bring us to where we are now

All this driving isn't easing anything I thought it would
But I keep on driving
I'm avoiding finding peace in the place I should

Haha. I don't know. I feel like I'm all over the place right now. I want to get up and jump around, but I also want to go to bed. I don't get it. I cannot wait until next week.

Another classic Kristen Hoover story.

So, lately, I've been writing these huge blogs with deeper meanings so here is my attempt to lighten it up a bit.

Tonight, Emily and I went to White Marsh. We had dinner at the mall, and then walked over to the movies. Not a long walk, but you have to walk across two streets, with a good amount of stand still traffic. So we just waited for the light to turn red and made our move. We were crossing the last one and there was a curb you had to step up on. Well, I guess my feet decided NOT to step up onto the curb, and I tripped. Ladies and gentlemen, did I not ONLY trip, but I fell too. I mean, face in the grass, dirt stain on my jeans, fell. I must be turning into Amy.

To all of you Honeygo Boulevard-ers, it was my pleasure.

For returned phone calls, Thank You Lord.

So, a few days ago I wrote the blog "Now, don't go and get your hopes up Kristen" and told one of my best friends about it. We were talking about the trip and how excited we were getting about it. I had mentioned how I was kind of trying to "not get my hopes too high" and he was like "Kristen, if your hopes weren't high, I wouldn't think you would want this trip to happen, your hopes are what make you."

For supportive and encouraging friends, Thank You Lord.
For endless opportunities-

So I am not even joking when I say this, right in the middle of writing "For endless opportunities..." right as I was going to type "Thank You Lord," Brian Donahue called me. We ended up talking for an hour about everything. Amazing and not to mention SO encouraging.

For endless opportunities, Thank You Lord.
For chances we don't deserve, Thank You Lord.
For believing in us when no one us else does, Thank You Lord.

For getting our hopes up, Thank You Lord.

Oooooh my my.

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell that I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line?
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Break my heart for what is yours.

I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Staring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Hosanna

^Starfield does an awesome version of this song.

I thought age would tell the secrets
But the secrets are still secret
And the years are passing by.

Teach me to wait in the moments of my need.

So close.

So tonight, I was two turns away from just driving to Deep Creek. I never thought I would get so tired of, nothing. But, I ended up deciding that if Pat called me before 7, I would go up there, but no later because then I would get up there late and just be tired once I got there. He called me at 7:30. So, as tempting as it was, I didn't go; which is now a good thing because I think I'm getting sick. Ugh. Tomorrow morning will be one of those mornings that I could wake up and feel totally fine, or wake up and just feel, bleh. So, I'm hoping for the 1st one.
But, on a much more positive note. I only have one more step in this part of the process to get things rolling for this summer. Of course, there could be a lot of other things that could make it difficult, but if it passes this next stage, it will look more promising than ever. So, pray pray pray for me and the other people involved in this that we get the okay to continue planning, because I'm starting to get really excited about it.

On a night like this...

Right now, I feel like God is opening so many doors. Just one after another. I can't explain the feeling. It's been so long since I really have felt like things were working out. It's probably been a year. Since Eric died this time last year, and with everyone leaving, it just hasn't been easy, and sometimes it's been weird. I feel like the mourning of the change is finally over and I'm starting to come back to life again. I'm starting to get back to my old self. The crazy, funny, positive self that I was a year and a half ago. The person I was before my internship at the church. Don't get me wrong, I've changed a lot for the good in the past year and a half, but I lost sight of parts of myself, that I think are finally coming back. Thank God, what a feeling.
I really feel that the things I'm pursuing right now are things only of God. I know that they are of God because God is constantly giving me the strength and the heart to keep going with them. Not to get discouraged when something doesn't quite go the way I thought, but to look for the other door. It's not that everything I've done in the past couple of months wasn't of God, but I don't think I heard Him clearly on some things and I gave a lot of energy to stuff that my heart wasn't even into, which made it even harder. Everything is turning around, and I love it.

Now, don't go and get your hopes up, Kristen.

My dad would always say that. I would tell him this HUGE idea that I had dreamed up, or told him a story of something that might just work out, and he would throw that at me.
Well, I think that as soon as you think up the idea, your hopes are up. But what's wrong with that? So, I'll be more upset in the end if it doesn't work out. What if we walked around life not getting our hopes up about anything? How boring would that be? We wouldn't be able to express or even have passion for anything.
This is something I believe in. Something I'm willing to fight for. Something that I'm not just gonna let slip away because there are challenges in the way. If my hopes weren't so high, I wouldn't want it so bad, and I would run the risk of letting it slip through my fingers. So yeah, I've gone and gotten my hopes; I'm okay with that.

Awaken what’s inside of me
Tune my heart to all You are in me
Even though You’re here God come
And may the vision of You
Be the death of me
And even though you’ve given everything
Jesus come

Here we go, life's waiting to begin, tonight.

I wanna have the same last dream again,
the one where I wake up and I'm alive.
Just as the four walls close me within,
my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight.
I'm the first to know,
my dearest friends,
even if your hope has burned with time,
anything that's dead shall be re-grown,
and your vicious pain, your warning sign,
you will be fine.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

Any type of love - it will be shown,
like every single tree reach for the sky.
If you're gonna fall,
I'll let you know,
that I will pick you up
like you for I,
I felt this thing,
I can't replace.
Where everyone was working for this goal.
Where all the children left without a trace,
only to come back, as pure as gold,
To recite this all.

Hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.
Tonight,
hey, oh, here I am,
and here we go, life's waiting to begin.

I cannot live, I can't breathe
unless you do this with me

Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me),
and here we go, life's waiting to begin (do this with me).
Hey, oh, here I am (do this with me).
And here we go, life's waiting to begin.

I love you, and that's what you are getting yourself into.

I don't know what it is. I've sat here for the last 2 hours trying to write a blog. I would have have a page down of ideas and words and then I would sit there and read it back to myself and realize that I wasn't really feeling that way at all. Or I would get half way through and not even realize what I was talking about, so therefore, how could have possibly followed it? One thing that I'm certain about is today I realized how grateful I am for everyone in my life. That's what I think I love the most about Sundays. I go to church and realize that without last year, I wouldn't know the people I know now. Some of the people I've met in the last year are some of the people I go to the most. Sundays, are probably my favorite day of the week. Sometimes it might be the only time that whole week I think about God, that's not something I'm proud of, but every Sunday I get to be reminded where I was, where I am now, and how much of a difference that has made in my life. It's what I got myself into, and I'm glad I did.

"I am convinced...

....being generous is a better way to live.
I'm convinced forgiving people in a better way to live.
I'm convinced having compassion is a better way to live.
I'm convinced pursuing peace in every situation is a better way to live.
I'm convinced listening to the wisdom of others is a better way to live.
I'm convinced being honest with people is a better way to live."

-Rob Bell in Velvet Elvis

Compassion. After reading that quote in the book, I had to look this word up. Sure, I've heard it a million times, and I knew it was along the same lines as "love" and all of those other Christian words we use and then move on.

com·pas·sion /kəmˈpæʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kuhm-pash-uhn] -noun

1.	a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

What an awesome word. I had no idea that it had two parts to it. I think it's important that we are constantly loving on people and compassion is such a huge part of love. If we're not reaching out and really experiencing the pain with people, how can we say that we know what they're going through and help them?


When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.
Matthew 9:36

With the circumstances of what has been going on in the past 48 hours, I just wonder what makes someone to run, from everything that is known and supportive and go towards something they have no clue about, something that can't possible guarantee any safety?

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.
-Jaimie Tworkowski of To Write Love On Her Arms

amazing because it is.

grace.

There's this weird fine line in grace. You want to be there for someone, but you can't let yourself get walked on. You've got to be able to tell them when they're messing up, but make sure that you're there for them at the end of it. How? How do you talk to someone about what they're doing and how it's affecting other people, and have them know that I still love them the same. Most people will automatically assume you're judging them, and go into defense mode. They'll think that because of all they've done they are worth less and you, or anyone else couldn't possibly care for them.
Leading students is hard. You never know what your job will be when you sign up, but somehow God makes it work out. I really hope God works this out. I know he will in some way, but selfishly I hope it's the way we're all praying for.

Alisha and I be at White Marsh Mall from 6-10:30ish tonight. Looking, hoping, waiting, praying. Stop by, call me, text me, pray for us. It'll be fine, right?

On a way lighter note, I just came across this article in Time Magazine about Rob Bell! It's kind of cool.

TWLOHA

I heard of this a couple months ago. I was at a show in Baltimore and I noticed some guy wearing a shirt that said it. I thought maybe it was a band but then I was wondering why I've seen so many musicians with shirts just like it on. Not that musicians are self-absorbed, but it's not often you'll see a band promoting another band at their set. I looked it up and found more about it. It's an awesome non-profit organization "which aims to present hope and find help for young people struggling with depression, self-injury, addiction, and suicide." I was reading the story behind the organization and why this guy started it, and I came across a quote that I loved; it said:

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, and is revealed in our love.

-Jamie Tworkowski, Founder of To Write Love On Her Arms

It's so true. We've just gotta keep extending love to people. A seed can't grow in an unsuitable enviornment. Check it out: To Write Love On Her Arms. It's going to be on my sidebar with all of my other links from now on, because there is something about this that really interests me. The story behind it is amazing.

If we stop remembering, we may forget. And that's when the trouble comes.

There is so much to enjoy, yet we fixate on something we don't have.
This is why gratitude is so central to the life God made us for. Until we can center ourselves on what we do have, on what God has given us, on the life we do get to live, we'll constantly be looking for another life. That is why the word remember occurs again and again in the Bible. God commands his people to remember who they are, where they've been, what they've seen, what's been done for them. If we stop remembering, we may forget. And that's when the trouble comes.
-Rob Bell "Sex God"

I have read this quote over and over again to myself, a lot. When I first read it in his book I felt like it was written for me. I felt so convicted, knowing that I am guilty of not remembering anything I have and concentrating on what I've lost. In my defense, in the past year, I have lost a lot. But I am certainly not shallow enough to believe I have not gained the same amount.

I haven't read the quote in a while and after some news I received today, it was only fitting that God would have me stumble upon it. So all I have to do is remember? It's that easy, right? Then why is it that I feel like for me, when I remember, that's when the trouble comes?