reluctant heart.

Things I will do before I die. Not, things I hope to do, or things that would be cool, but things that, God-willing, if I live the average 77 years, will be completed.

-Get through nursing school in one piece
-Spend a little time being a travel nurse
-Spend at the least a year in another country doing missionary work
-Get married
-Have at least 3 kids.
-Go to every continent (maybe not Antarctica or The North Pole)
-Be a woman of God. To the best of my ability.
-Learn to play piano, guitar and violin/cello (I'll accept either of the last two)
-Keep my integrity intact, and never let someone compromise that. (Mrs. Euker would be very proud)
-Drive across the USA at least 2 more times. Interstate 10 being the next route.
-Go to all 50 states
-Forgive
-Live in the city
-Live in the middle of nowhere
-Make a difference
-Keep good company
-Sit around at a 24 hour laundry mat all night.
-Stay up for 48 hours straight, for no reason at all
-Be a role model
-Go backstage at a concert.



This will be an on going list. As I think of more, I'll add them. But, by the looks of this, I better get started.

Just 19.

Oh I am young but I have aged.
Waited long to seize the day.
All things said and plenty done,
Oh I am young but I have a past.
Traveled far to find the start.
Yes I am scared and I've been burnt.
But life is short.

Could this be the day I've waited for?

Hm. This speaks to me, especially with how I've been feeling lately. I love that she says "I am young, but I have aged....I am young but I have a past."

Being young might mean that we have LESS experience, but it by no means means that I have NO experience. I've been on this earth long enough to have had some life happen to me. But, I must say, these past two months, I've really enjoyed just being....19. Not 25 or 40. Not running a million things and being in roles where everyone, of different ages looks up to me. Just going to school, work and church (for enjoyment, not to work) has been great. I can feel that I'm starting to get back to where I was before. I have my priorities straight, looking to the future, and just being 19. I've been burnt, and I am still scared, but it's not making me back down anymore. For a while, I was so scared that last year would happen again I shut down from everything; then once I realized I was doing that, I jumped full force into too many things and it almost did happen again. But now, life is balanced. Or, its getting there at least. I can feel it.
I might be just 19, but that's old enough for me right now.

I'll end it though you started it.

I'll be the one who'll break my heart.
I'll be the one to hold the gun.
I know more than I knew before.

I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I want to win the war
No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick-drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words

I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll end it, though you started it


Yep. That's usually how it goes. I'm the one that screws something up, gets scared and runs away.

Catch up catsup ketchup....what?

I was talking to someone the other day and we were kind of reflecting the last year of our lives. How a lot can change in a year and it makes us grow up in a lot of ways. We talked about how challenging last year really was and what we'd been through. He made a pretty big move this past summer; miles away from home, almost on his own, and I asked him if he felt like he had changed a lot. He said that he didn't know that it was him changing so much right now, but realizing how much he grew last year and having last year's change finally catch up to him.
I have never thought about it that way. But I definitely agree. When you're all caught up in the moment you don't care if you've changed. It's not important. I say change, but I guess I really mean "grow." Change always sounds like a negative term to me, but grow, means you've gained something from the experience and you've realized you have something to improve.
I suppose I just have to wait for this change to catch up with me.
Late night blogs are becoming a habit. I'm not ever sure this one made sense. We'll see.

The more that I learn, the more I can’t understand

It takes more time than I've ever had,
Drains the life from me,
Makes me want to forget,
As young as I was,
I felt older back then,
More disciplined,
Stronger and certain,
But I was scared to death of eternity,
I was saved by grace,
But destroyed by naivety,
And I lied to myself,
And said it was for the best,

And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
I've disregarded what I was,
Now that I'm older,
And I know much more than I did back then,
But the more I learn,
The more I can't understand,
And I've become content with this life that I lead,
Where I drink to much and don't believe in much of anything,
And I lie to myself,
And say it's for the best,

We're moving forward,
But holding ourselves back,
And we're waiting on something that will never come
(And I lied to myself, and said it was for the best)

What does does Christmas mean to you?

Candles burning low, lot's of mistle toe, or lots of snow and ice everywhere we go. To me, it's none of those things. It's never been about those things. I grew up in a family where Christmas was more a headache than a blessing. It just meant that we had to go somewhere as a family and that never turned out well. Recently, Christmas doesn't even get me excited. I don't dread it like I used to, so thats a step in the right direction I suppose.
Each year I'm finding out more and more what Christmas really means to me. Yeah, I go to church and I get the message about Christ, but I think at the end of the day, it should be our goal through out the whole year, everday, to remember that He was born for us. So it's not often that I really take a ton of time around Christmas to remember that because I've tried my best to remember it all year.
Hm, but if I could sum up what Christmas means to me this year, it would go something like this.
It's sitting around the Korby's kitchen laughing at dumb stuff and getting the Christmas Eve dinner all ready. It's talking to my brother about something our dad did once again and laughing until our stomachs hurt. It's watching how (he probably didn't even notice he was doing this) Ron's mood slowly got lighter and happier as his flight for Florida got closer and closer. It's going to church with a bunch of friends that, and then having the Everetts sit down right next to us. It's Ashley, and her many glasses of wine telling me and Pat how much she loves Christmas and, she's alright! It's coming home and having all the Korby's asleep on various spots of the living room floor. It's my little cousin telling me 4382439 times that Santa will bring him that airplane tomorrow and he can't wait.
This year, I realized more than ever that it's about family. Maybe it's not always our own, but I've found that when I surround myself with people and just laugh, that's when I remember that it's Christmas. It doesn't need to be the cliche family either. Just people to come over, watch stupid tv shows and laugh at funny stuff. That, is family enough for me.
Ask yourself, what does Christmas really mean to you.

just give me your hand and we'll jump out the window

It might be the percocet, or I might just be feeling better about things.

I had my jump start. It worked and I think, maybe, I'm back to normal. I know there is still a lot of work to do. I'm not gonna jump into another role like I did in the summer. But I just feel more like, me now. I'm pretty sure it happened when I went to Deep Creek. I needed those six hours in a car, by myself. I needed to be somewhere without a computer, and not the same place I always am. I rarely answered my phone the whole night. It was amazing not to be around drama and headache for 5 seconds and just soak in life.

I went up there because I wanted to. I didn't think I needed the time for myself, I was just being selfish. I was going so I could get away right before my surgery because I knew I would be stuck in a house foreverrr. But it was awesome, because God totally used it for something else.

I'm excited for 2008.

1, 2, 3, CLEAR

These past couple of weeks I've been in this weird, apathetic kind of mood. Not just towards God, but towards everything. I felt like I hadn't really gotten excited about anything in a while. I have not been hot nor cold, but luke warm. I don't know. I can't really explain it, but if you've been there, you know what I'm talking about. I feel like a battery. I was back on the charger but it wasn't quite long enough and I'm running out of power.

We're gonna need the defibrillator for this one. Stand back. On three....

I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear




How could you see what you see and not totally
Want to discontinue me for all eternity and then some
It bothers me so that I could be so
Completely unaffected when connected to the holy one
And so I sit here and stare at this page and wonder
At what age it will become clear to me




I feel like I'm just wondering around, not really serving a real purpose, maybe this is because my gifting is in serving and leadership and when I'm not in a role that involves one or both I feel like I'm not really being used. Who knows.

it can make you face all your fears.

i could leave you well enough
alone believing you'd be overcome
and gone by grace away
better off than if i stayed
i could leave you walk away
we'll save it for another day
through all the wars i've come to know
it's punches pulled, not towels thrown in

when they come knocking on your heart's door
choose the one who loves you more, oh
and when you've found something to die for
(it can make you face all your fears)
they'll be knocking on your heart's door.

burn us up.

So, ever since I got back from Youth Specialties, I keep listening to this song called "Burn Us Up" by Shane & Shane. The song is based off the passage in Daniel 3, where King Nebuchadnezzar (I had to copy and paste that trash right off of biblegateway...) is making the people of the nation worship an image of gold. At the sound of the trumpet playing, everyone is to stop what they're doing and bow down to this statue of gold. Well, three guys, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, believe in worshipping God and only God, and stand up to the king and refuse to worship his gold statue. The king can't believe this and threatens to throw them in the furnace. So then, they say this:

"16b O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. 17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

Even though it's pretty amazing that they would say something along the lines that God will save them from a furnace that is now seven times hotter than usual, it's not the part I get stuck on. That's the cliche answer, the one that everyone knows and can repeat and somewhat mean to an extent without every really needing it. But the second part, verse 18. "But even if he does not..." Even if he doesn't....I just don't know. They are willing to die for this. Really? I mean I know that's what we're told, that Christ died for us, and that our lives should be a sacrfice for Him. I get it. But it's in a different light to me this time, and I'm not really sure I have that passion so much anymore. Not recently at least. I have this weird, apathetic vibe towards it all. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have not forgotten anything that has happened in the past two years. It's not even as though I'm going back to the way I was, I'm just kind of, going through the motions.

You know those friendships that end, just because. There really isn't a reason, maybe someone moved, or college started and calling everyday went to texting every couples weeks or so, and before you know it, you might LOOK at their facebook page once a month but now you never talk. There aren't any bitter feelings, its just kind of, over.

I feel like that with a lot things in my life right now. I don't feel passionate about anything anymore. My biggest concern is getting through school so I can be a nurse and move on with my life. I'm not even excited about school, I just want it to wake up and have it be 2010. I want to see somewhere else so bad. I want to be so excited for something that nothing can stand in my way. I want to have that drive again. I want to be certain about something, anything, but at the same time, even if I'm uncertain about it, I want the love for it to overrule the uncertainty of it. I feel like my mind is somewhere else with each day. One day I think about doing this, and the next I would be satisfied with something completely different. Who knows. But if someone does, feel free to let me in the secret, because I'll still be sitting right here, I'm sure.

10 on 7, please.

So, the other day, after class I needed to get gas; so I stopped at the Texaco on Harford Road. I only had cash on me, so I had to go up to the window and pay. It's one of those gas stations that only has the hut, not a full store. In order to pay, someone (who is extremely bright I'm guessing), invented a device in which the cashier pushes a drawer out, you put your money in, and they take the drawer back, with your money in it. Well, as I was walking up to the window, I must have not seen a step that is right in front and tripped. I reached out to grab something, anything, to catch my fall and the guy was trying to pull back the drawer so I wouldn't hit it; but it was too late, I already grabbed onto the drawer at the same time he got it to pull back. Next thing I know, my hand is stuck in the drawer. The guy just kept saying, "Oh my God, oh my God..." and then I just yelled "MY HAND IS STUCK!" He looked down and freaked out a little and then pushed the drawer open. I threw my money in and said,"Can I have 10 on 7, please? Thank you." and slammed the drawer back towards him. I started laughing while I was walking away and the guy just stared at me. I mean, I must have looked pretty ridiculous to the 10 people pumping gas at that very second. Then, I realized my hand hurt really bad and was bleeding so I started crying, while I was laughing. I didn't know what to do. So I called Pat, because I knew he would make me laugh, and in the middle of telling my story I started crying again because my hand still hurt really bad and was still bleeding.

The only thing I was grateful for was the fact that I only got $10 in gas because that meant me standing there at the pump, crying/laughing for a less amount of time than I usually would.

Moral of Story: Watch your step, even when it doesn't say to.

meet me in st. louis

My eyes are small but they have seen
the beauty of enormous things
Which leads me to believe
there's light enough to see

how is it

that with over 5100 songs on my ipod, I can't find anything to listen to? Dissatisfaction? Maybe I'm always looking for something new? I think that it would help if I could decide what I was feeling, then maybe, just maybe, I'd find a song to fit.

some pictures.

when green meets red and red meets blue

When the grass slowly turns to clay-like sand and it all leads to the sky, thats what driving across the country is all about.















I love it.

Something's in the air tonight.

The sky's alive with a burning light.
You can mark my words, something's about to break.

And I found myself in a bitter fight,
While I've held your hand through the darkest night.
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon

To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I've ever known or seen

Come on and we'll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on we'll try, one last time
I'm off of the floor one more time to find you

And here we go there's nothing left to choose
And here we go there's nothing left to lose

So I packed my car and I headed east
Where i felt your fire and a sweet release
There's a fire in these hills that's coming down

And I don't know much but I found you here
And I cannot wait another year
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon

To a kid from Oregon by way of California
All of this is more than I’ve ever known or seen

Come on and we'll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we'll try, one last time
I'm off of the floor one more time to find you

And here we go there's nothing left to choose
And here we go there's nothing left to lose

I can still hear the trains out my window
From Hobart street to here in Nashville
I can still smell the pomegranates grow
And I don't know how hard this wind will blow
or where we'll go

Come on and we'll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we'll try, one last time
I'm off of the floor one more time to find you

And here we go there's nothing left to choose
And here we go there's nothing left to lose




are we there yet?

hold on, hold tight

Breathe in, breathe out
Tell me all of your doubts
Everybody bleeds this way, just the same
Breathe in, breathe out
Move on and break down
If everyone goes away, I will stay
We push and pull
And I fall down sometimes
And I’m not letting go
You hold the other line
Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

Hold on, hold tight
If I’m out of your sight
And everything keeps moving on, moving on
Hold on, hold tight
Make it through another night
In every day there comes a song with the dawn
We push and pull

And I fall down sometimes
And I’m not letting go
You hold the other line
Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out
Breathe in and breathe out

Look left, look right
To the moon and the night
Everything under the stars is in your arms

Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light in your eyes, in your eyes
There is a light in your eyes, in your eyes

He was lost

...and is found.
Luke 15:32b

I was talking to my brother today, Tuesdays are usually our day to hang out, and I mentioned that tomorrow I'm coming up to my dad's house to have dinner. My brother then said "whenever you come up, dad prepares like a freakin FEAST." And at first, I laughed; if you knew my dad and our relationship, its not the best of times. But then, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Last week at Shockwave, we talked about the Prodigal Son. I've always thought that I was the older brother. The one that did most right, and that my brother gets off with a LOT of stuff. He gets the crappy grades and is irresponsible, and the expectation was always held higher for me; I hated that. I think I've always been a little bitter that he got off so easy with the divorce. I had to take care of him and worry about holding my own. I had to be in the middle of my parents and try and play referee. I was the one forced out of both houses because I was the one "stirring up trouble." When I moved out of my dad's house, it was a mutual decision. It was time for me to move on and branch out.

It's not that I thought that my parents HATED seeing me, but they never really go out their way to invite me over either. I only moved to Cockeysville, and you might laugh, but to my dad, that's far. He rarely steps outside of Hereford.

It wasn't until today that I realized that to my dad, I am the prodigal son. As much as I pulled away, he still awaits my arrival with everyday. I think that every second that he is sober, he is there at his door with open arms, no questions asked.

My brother told me today that every time he is over my dad's house, my dad is always asking about me. I really want to make more of an effort to talk to my dad more often. I think I try to keep him as out of the loop as possible so that it's "my life."

I don't want to be the "lost son" where my parents are constantly waiting for me. It will always be home for me. I might just be away for a while, not lost, but away.

And, we're off!

I realize I haven't written in forever but I figured I would at least write on my trip because I'm not sure what it'll be like...

Right now, I'm in Myrtle Beach, sitting in an "Atlanta Bread Company" that looks and feels just like a Panera; except the food isn't as good and they don't have as big of a selection. Amy and I have been here for two days and three nights and we leave tomorrow to stay with her aunt in Asheville, North Carolina and then from there we go to Nashville.

On the way down, we stopped at South of the Border. Amy has never been there! I can't believe it. She lives here and never went there and we used to stop every time we were driving to Florida. So we went to the tackiest place on Earth; but not for long.

While in Myrtle Beach, we went to the beach (duh) and then went to the Hard Rock theme park preview. It was cool. Got some videos there which are good (WELL, haha sorry, I had to, most won't understand that, but that's alright).

Yesterday we drove down to Charleston which is about and hour and a half to about two hours away. That is a really cool little city. It's so old and the houses have the best architecture. On the way there we stopped at this old plantation that was formed in the 1700's and that was really interesting. We got to take a little tour of the house, which a couple scenes from the Notebook were filmed and we learned a lot about the history of some of the slaves and their culture. There was this lady that put on this play and would tell us all about the Gullah people.

I don't know when I'll check in again, I'm hoping after Nashville.

I'm not coming back home until August 10th, so i'm hoping to have a lot to write in the next few days...

'round and 'round

So, the weekend, was a rough one. It was basically just a horrible weekend. Filled with disappointment brought on my mother, realization that everything is starting to change and a constant reminder that none of it is in my control. I don't feel very hopeful, and I keep praying that God fills me back up, but right now, I am just burnt out. Sometimes, its just so frustrating. I'm realizing that I don't want to be around people. I don't want to hang out with anyone. I want nothing to do with church and I certainly don't want to see anyone there. This is so weird because I always want to be around people, and I always go to the church to just hang out. But I'm over it now. I just need some time by myself. As much as I always feel the need to, I can't run at 100 mph anymore; because when you crash, the hit is that much harder. This year has really taken a toll on me. At the end of everyday, I'm exhausted. It's not how I pictured this year. I guess nothing is really how we picture it, because than that wouldn't be life. If I was given the choice, I don't think I would do this year over again. I don't know. One or two big things would have to change for me to repeat this year over.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2

I feel like I'm in the water and its right under my nose. One more centimeter and I won't be able to breath. Or, I'm in a room and there is fire on every square foot but the one tile I'm standing on. I know that God isn't going to let these things happen. I know the water isn't actually going to completely cover my head; but I just can't help but sit here and wonder how much more of this I can do. I can't wait until I'm not an intern again. I need to learn how to say no, and NOT get a guilt trip about it. I can't wait until July 7th when I'm done at the church. Not only because its the church and I'm not the internship's biggest fan, but I'm hoping that with time, I'll like going to church. I won't have to walk into the building, feeling bad because I didn't do something yet. I can go in there to go to church, to learn, to hang out, to just be there. I don't know. Amy says I say that too much, but right now, I feel like there isn't really a lot that I do know. Everything that I knew, now is changed, and the things and people that I thought I could depend on are changing.
Well, thats a rant. I'm not even sure if it made any real sense; but there's not really a lot of sense I can make from it myself, so I don't know how else to say any of it. I feel like everything I know is spinning and every-time it slows down to a point where I start to get my barrings straight, someone goes and pushes it even faster, where not only can I not see, but I have no idea where I am.





Listening to: Coldplay "Fix You"

change

Inevitable. With a lot of us around the office leaving and some of us staying; next year is going to be different. It would be different either way, just because no year is the same. Part of me, thinks it sucks. Right when I finally stop feeling like a stranger in this place, the people I had gotten used to, are leaving. But then, part of me, is excited and optimistic. I really do feel like God is going to lift up some leaders and everything is going to grow, and that's exciting to me. You know when things are just about to change, and you can feel it well up in your heart. That's how I'm feeling now. I'm not really sure why because life isn't really going to change drastically for me anytime soon. I'm gonna live with the Korby's, lead my d-team, join Hereford YoungLife and help out with things around the church. nothing that I haven't done before. But I still feel some huge change on the horizon. There is a song that I stumbled upon a year ago, that I love. I think it has a lot to do with kind of what I've been feeling lately. I go back to it from time to time and just listen to it because some of the words are so encouraging.

As I survey the ground for ants
Looking for a place to sit and read
I'm reminded of the streets of my hometown
How they're much like this concrete that's warm beneath my feet

And how I'm all wrapped up in my mother's face
With a touch of my father just up around the eyes
And the sound of my brother's laugh
But more wrapped up in what binds our ever distant lives

But if I must go
Things I trust will be better off without me
But I don't want to know
Life is better off a mystery

Mysteries keep us interested. They keep us on the edge. They're so addicting to read and watch because you have no idea what comes next. If you knew the ending, you wouldn't be so enthused about what goes on in the middle chapters. I really believe its the mystery in our lives that keeps us going.

So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

This is probably one of my life-time song verses. I want life to continue, but whatever is thrown my way, something little or huge, I want/need to be held accountable for it. There are so many hidden things that God does in our lives that we rarely ever take the time to really examine. I don't want to follow the path that I've made, or the one I think is the best, I want it to be solely God.

Hometown weather is on TV
I imagine the lives of the people living there
And I'm curious if they imagine me
Cause they just wanna leave; I wish that I could stay

But I get turned around
I mistake some happiness for blessing
But I'm blessed as the poor
Still I judge success by how I'm dressing

That is so typical. I think it is so easy for us to take the (good) things that God gives us and connect them to being happy. Not everything that makes us "happy" is a blessing. Things from God make us joyful, and yes, can make us happy, but I think that its important to survey what things we are truly doing for/because God and what we're doing out of our own selfishness.

So I'll sing a song of my hometown
I'll breathe the air and walk the streets
Maybe find a place to sit and read
And the ants are welcome company

And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

I don't know. As much as I don't like change, I know that it has to happen in order for everyone to find their true calling. Change is what allows us to find our real selves. Waiting and trusting go hand in hand with change.

But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you.
He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones.

Isaiah 30:18 (The Message)

twenty-four

So, one of my all-time favorite songs is "Twenty-Four" by Switchfoot. There is something about it that every-time I listen to it, I get happy and a little bit sad at the same time. It gives me such mixed emotions.

Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
And twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
With twenty-four drop outs
At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit,
take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit,
take me up in arms with You

Those two lines, get me every-time. And every-time I realize how true they are. Life really isn't what is was twenty-four hours ago. Ever. If you think about it, there is something that happens everyday that changes the way you look at something. Whether it is something huge or something so small; there is something that happened that day, that makes your life a lot different.

The second line...that too, is so true. Same as the first line. I think that there is something about ourselves that we discover little by little, day by day. Each day God is making us more aware of the person he formed us to be. And with each day, accepting this change, realizing that we are we who we are, God is going to use us to change the world. Not just me, but everyone. It's exciting too. To know that everyday I'm forming more and more into the person I was meant to be. There might even be that some days you discover things that you don't like about yourself, but in the scheme of things, they are there so that you learn how to change them, and straighten out your flaws.

There's twenty-four reasons
To admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses
Still twenty-four strong

See, I'm not copping out
Not copping out
Not copping out
When you're raising the dead in me

Not copping out. That's hard. Really. Living a life completely following Jesus, is hard. There are things that I've given up, sacrificed, put up with, been through, and even more that, had I not become a Christian, I wouldn't have had to even witness. But, when He is constantly raising the dead in me, its hard to ever imagine my life any different. I can't imagine copping out of this. I honestly want everything, good and bad, that comes out of this.

Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now
And you're raising these...

Twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing 'Spirit take me up in arms with You'
You're raising the dead in me

I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestled the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing 'Spirit, take me up in arms with You'
And you're raising the dead in me

The great thing about my job, is that, I get to see miracles, and I'm constantly watching the world change. I have a d-team. Last year, my d-team was seriously the d-team that "ruined everything." There wasn't a Sunday that would go by that they weren't in trouble for something. I'm not exaggerating. So, one could only imagine my response to finding out that they were now MY d-team. "The freshmen girls" from Mexico, were now my girls. But now, just months later; God has worked in them in huge ways. They have starting transforming into the people that God made them to be. They amaze me. Everyday they have something new to bring to the table. Working with students, just allows me to see the world change everyday. It makes me so excited to know that the world has to look forward to these kids. There is nothing like watching someone just grow more and more into the skin that was made for them, while changing students around them.

This year, by far, has not been the easiest. It is not what I signed up for. The internship was different than I ever thought it would be. But, I've gotten way more out of it than what I thought. I've learned more about myself and God. I've gotten one of the best places to live, that I could have asked for. I've got people that support me, yet tell me what I need to hear, all the while pushing me to go further and further with my faith. There are many days, I am left questioning if the decisions I've made were the right ones. Were the things I gave up, worth it all? Yes. In fact, looking back now, I would not take back this year for anything. The things I've sacrificed are minor compared to what Christ has sacrificed for me.

So, to me, life, is represented so much through-out that song. And, like the song, life makes me happy and sometimes sad. Leaves mixed in emotions but at the end of it, I know that its worth being here for, and its worth doing what God is leading you to. Even with twenty-four failures, and twenty-four tries, feeling like we're in twenty-fourth place, and dropping out of twenty-four things, God still raises us from the dead and makes life different with every year, every twenty-four hours and every breath.

Lancaster...

So, I can picture many of you laughing while reading this blog. But thats okay. I get laughed at all the time for this but I guess it just goes along with being who I am.
On Mother's Day I went up to Lancaster with, who else, my mother. I knew that we'd spend most of the day in the car because its what she enjoys doing (luckily I enjoy it just as much or even more, so it didn't give us something to butt heads on...). She had said that she wanted to go to Gettysburg or Lancaster, but since we're in Gettysburg all the time, I thought we should switch it up and go to Lancaster.
On the way there, or right outside of the the actual city of Lancaster, we came across this awesome park which was just amazing. I'm not sure exactly how big it is, but it has a million different sports fields where they had a bunch of games going on, a river/big stream running right through it, an amazing garden, a skate park and so much more. I know that if I lived in that area, I would be at that park every day that it was nice out. I'm not the nature-y kind of person that always wants to hike or camp for days, but I really do love just hanging out by the reservoir and at parks.
But, my favorite part of the whole trip was seeing the Amish people. I don't know what it is but there is something I just love about them. I'm fascinated with their lifestyle and the way they live so simply but so focused. I honestly believe that their life is the life that God would picture everyone involved in. They're close to their family, because they all live around. Everyone is there for each other whenever something is going on. Their relationships are more personable because they don't cheat with email and text messaging. I don't think you'd understand unless you were me, so I'm not gonna waste too much time trying to convince you why its cool. But nonetheless, I really enjoyed being up there. It was a great day for it, and it was only at the very beginning and very end that my mother and I fought, so that was a start. It was a good day, for me. I mean, beside the fact that Mother's Day is seriously one of the hardest days of the year for me, it was good

the res

Yesterday, and today as well, I've been in this funk. I don't know why, mostly because there are a couple of people in my life that continuously make me feel inadequate. I hate feeling like that, but luckily most of the time when I'm feeling this way, its pretty surface. Give me a few days and it'll all be over. Thankfully, God spared me from a meeting that would have seriously made my day go even farther. I need to realize though, that at the end of the day, it's not what people make out of who I am, it really only matters what God thinks. There are going to be people in my life that will go out of their way to make sure I feel like crap, but there are also people, when I chose to listen to them, are there to reassure my purpose and why I'm here. Thank the Lord for them.
There is something I love to do though when I'm feeling like this, but also on good days. Go to Loch Raven. There's something I can just appreciate by sitting on Loch Raven Drive, that I don't get by being anywhere else. It's not only me. There are always a ton of people there. People in groups, people alone. Some sit in their cars, some walk around. There are people dressed down, people dressed in everyday outfits, and there are even dressed in suits there on their lunch break. I love it. It's a place where people go to just forget about the hectic lives they're so wrapped up in. I've actually never even seen anyone speed on that road. It's hard to, because even if you've got somewhere to be, you know that there is something more to life than that appointment you're late for and all those errands you have to run. Whether we recognize it or not, God runs through our bones and makes us appreciate the simple things; because at the end of the day, none of that other stuff matters

And in the beginning...

So yeah, I'm trying it. This whole blogging thing. I'll try it today and possibly tomorrow, and if you're lucky, I might just keep it updated. We'll see. I figure, my freshmen year of college is over (on Monday) and I made it through, maybe start the summer with a little blog? I'm going to have a ton to write about because this summer is going to be full of experiences. A trip to Mexico with the high-schoolers, then turning around and going to Niagara Falls with the middle schoolers, YoungLife camp and then a long road-trip out to Oregon, there is going to be so much to see. I know that if I use this summer just right I could find even more out about myself. This year, as hard as its been, has been a major time of growth for me. I've found out more of who I am, what makes me me, and much much more. I don't know really. I'm scared for the mass amount change that summer means, but excited because I am so sure in my heart that I'm in the right place. That where I am right now, is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Today I stopped by the high school. I haven't really been in that school since we graduated last year; and I realized that, I have changed dramatically since last year. I knew my senior year that God was really taking the old me, and making me new (2 Cor 5:17), but in this past year, I've seen it even more.