'round and 'round

So, the weekend, was a rough one. It was basically just a horrible weekend. Filled with disappointment brought on my mother, realization that everything is starting to change and a constant reminder that none of it is in my control. I don't feel very hopeful, and I keep praying that God fills me back up, but right now, I am just burnt out. Sometimes, its just so frustrating. I'm realizing that I don't want to be around people. I don't want to hang out with anyone. I want nothing to do with church and I certainly don't want to see anyone there. This is so weird because I always want to be around people, and I always go to the church to just hang out. But I'm over it now. I just need some time by myself. As much as I always feel the need to, I can't run at 100 mph anymore; because when you crash, the hit is that much harder. This year has really taken a toll on me. At the end of everyday, I'm exhausted. It's not how I pictured this year. I guess nothing is really how we picture it, because than that wouldn't be life. If I was given the choice, I don't think I would do this year over again. I don't know. One or two big things would have to change for me to repeat this year over.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2

I feel like I'm in the water and its right under my nose. One more centimeter and I won't be able to breath. Or, I'm in a room and there is fire on every square foot but the one tile I'm standing on. I know that God isn't going to let these things happen. I know the water isn't actually going to completely cover my head; but I just can't help but sit here and wonder how much more of this I can do. I can't wait until I'm not an intern again. I need to learn how to say no, and NOT get a guilt trip about it. I can't wait until July 7th when I'm done at the church. Not only because its the church and I'm not the internship's biggest fan, but I'm hoping that with time, I'll like going to church. I won't have to walk into the building, feeling bad because I didn't do something yet. I can go in there to go to church, to learn, to hang out, to just be there. I don't know. Amy says I say that too much, but right now, I feel like there isn't really a lot that I do know. Everything that I knew, now is changed, and the things and people that I thought I could depend on are changing.
Well, thats a rant. I'm not even sure if it made any real sense; but there's not really a lot of sense I can make from it myself, so I don't know how else to say any of it. I feel like everything I know is spinning and every-time it slows down to a point where I start to get my barrings straight, someone goes and pushes it even faster, where not only can I not see, but I have no idea where I am.





Listening to: Coldplay "Fix You"