'round and 'round

So, the weekend, was a rough one. It was basically just a horrible weekend. Filled with disappointment brought on my mother, realization that everything is starting to change and a constant reminder that none of it is in my control. I don't feel very hopeful, and I keep praying that God fills me back up, but right now, I am just burnt out. Sometimes, its just so frustrating. I'm realizing that I don't want to be around people. I don't want to hang out with anyone. I want nothing to do with church and I certainly don't want to see anyone there. This is so weird because I always want to be around people, and I always go to the church to just hang out. But I'm over it now. I just need some time by myself. As much as I always feel the need to, I can't run at 100 mph anymore; because when you crash, the hit is that much harder. This year has really taken a toll on me. At the end of everyday, I'm exhausted. It's not how I pictured this year. I guess nothing is really how we picture it, because than that wouldn't be life. If I was given the choice, I don't think I would do this year over again. I don't know. One or two big things would have to change for me to repeat this year over.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:2

I feel like I'm in the water and its right under my nose. One more centimeter and I won't be able to breath. Or, I'm in a room and there is fire on every square foot but the one tile I'm standing on. I know that God isn't going to let these things happen. I know the water isn't actually going to completely cover my head; but I just can't help but sit here and wonder how much more of this I can do. I can't wait until I'm not an intern again. I need to learn how to say no, and NOT get a guilt trip about it. I can't wait until July 7th when I'm done at the church. Not only because its the church and I'm not the internship's biggest fan, but I'm hoping that with time, I'll like going to church. I won't have to walk into the building, feeling bad because I didn't do something yet. I can go in there to go to church, to learn, to hang out, to just be there. I don't know. Amy says I say that too much, but right now, I feel like there isn't really a lot that I do know. Everything that I knew, now is changed, and the things and people that I thought I could depend on are changing.
Well, thats a rant. I'm not even sure if it made any real sense; but there's not really a lot of sense I can make from it myself, so I don't know how else to say any of it. I feel like everything I know is spinning and every-time it slows down to a point where I start to get my barrings straight, someone goes and pushes it even faster, where not only can I not see, but I have no idea where I am.





Listening to: Coldplay "Fix You"

change

Inevitable. With a lot of us around the office leaving and some of us staying; next year is going to be different. It would be different either way, just because no year is the same. Part of me, thinks it sucks. Right when I finally stop feeling like a stranger in this place, the people I had gotten used to, are leaving. But then, part of me, is excited and optimistic. I really do feel like God is going to lift up some leaders and everything is going to grow, and that's exciting to me. You know when things are just about to change, and you can feel it well up in your heart. That's how I'm feeling now. I'm not really sure why because life isn't really going to change drastically for me anytime soon. I'm gonna live with the Korby's, lead my d-team, join Hereford YoungLife and help out with things around the church. nothing that I haven't done before. But I still feel some huge change on the horizon. There is a song that I stumbled upon a year ago, that I love. I think it has a lot to do with kind of what I've been feeling lately. I go back to it from time to time and just listen to it because some of the words are so encouraging.

As I survey the ground for ants
Looking for a place to sit and read
I'm reminded of the streets of my hometown
How they're much like this concrete that's warm beneath my feet

And how I'm all wrapped up in my mother's face
With a touch of my father just up around the eyes
And the sound of my brother's laugh
But more wrapped up in what binds our ever distant lives

But if I must go
Things I trust will be better off without me
But I don't want to know
Life is better off a mystery

Mysteries keep us interested. They keep us on the edge. They're so addicting to read and watch because you have no idea what comes next. If you knew the ending, you wouldn't be so enthused about what goes on in the middle chapters. I really believe its the mystery in our lives that keeps us going.

So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

This is probably one of my life-time song verses. I want life to continue, but whatever is thrown my way, something little or huge, I want/need to be held accountable for it. There are so many hidden things that God does in our lives that we rarely ever take the time to really examine. I don't want to follow the path that I've made, or the one I think is the best, I want it to be solely God.

Hometown weather is on TV
I imagine the lives of the people living there
And I'm curious if they imagine me
Cause they just wanna leave; I wish that I could stay

But I get turned around
I mistake some happiness for blessing
But I'm blessed as the poor
Still I judge success by how I'm dressing

That is so typical. I think it is so easy for us to take the (good) things that God gives us and connect them to being happy. Not everything that makes us "happy" is a blessing. Things from God make us joyful, and yes, can make us happy, but I think that its important to survey what things we are truly doing for/because God and what we're doing out of our own selfishness.

So I'll sing a song of my hometown
I'll breathe the air and walk the streets
Maybe find a place to sit and read
And the ants are welcome company

And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

I don't know. As much as I don't like change, I know that it has to happen in order for everyone to find their true calling. Change is what allows us to find our real selves. Waiting and trusting go hand in hand with change.

But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you.
He's gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones.

Isaiah 30:18 (The Message)

twenty-four

So, one of my all-time favorite songs is "Twenty-Four" by Switchfoot. There is something about it that every-time I listen to it, I get happy and a little bit sad at the same time. It gives me such mixed emotions.

Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
And twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
With twenty-four drop outs
At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit,
take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit,
take me up in arms with You

Those two lines, get me every-time. And every-time I realize how true they are. Life really isn't what is was twenty-four hours ago. Ever. If you think about it, there is something that happens everyday that changes the way you look at something. Whether it is something huge or something so small; there is something that happened that day, that makes your life a lot different.

The second line...that too, is so true. Same as the first line. I think that there is something about ourselves that we discover little by little, day by day. Each day God is making us more aware of the person he formed us to be. And with each day, accepting this change, realizing that we are we who we are, God is going to use us to change the world. Not just me, but everyone. It's exciting too. To know that everyday I'm forming more and more into the person I was meant to be. There might even be that some days you discover things that you don't like about yourself, but in the scheme of things, they are there so that you learn how to change them, and straighten out your flaws.

There's twenty-four reasons
To admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses
Still twenty-four strong

See, I'm not copping out
Not copping out
Not copping out
When you're raising the dead in me

Not copping out. That's hard. Really. Living a life completely following Jesus, is hard. There are things that I've given up, sacrificed, put up with, been through, and even more that, had I not become a Christian, I wouldn't have had to even witness. But, when He is constantly raising the dead in me, its hard to ever imagine my life any different. I can't imagine copping out of this. I honestly want everything, good and bad, that comes out of this.

Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now
And you're raising these...

Twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing 'Spirit take me up in arms with You'
You're raising the dead in me

I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestled the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing 'Spirit, take me up in arms with You'
And you're raising the dead in me

The great thing about my job, is that, I get to see miracles, and I'm constantly watching the world change. I have a d-team. Last year, my d-team was seriously the d-team that "ruined everything." There wasn't a Sunday that would go by that they weren't in trouble for something. I'm not exaggerating. So, one could only imagine my response to finding out that they were now MY d-team. "The freshmen girls" from Mexico, were now my girls. But now, just months later; God has worked in them in huge ways. They have starting transforming into the people that God made them to be. They amaze me. Everyday they have something new to bring to the table. Working with students, just allows me to see the world change everyday. It makes me so excited to know that the world has to look forward to these kids. There is nothing like watching someone just grow more and more into the skin that was made for them, while changing students around them.

This year, by far, has not been the easiest. It is not what I signed up for. The internship was different than I ever thought it would be. But, I've gotten way more out of it than what I thought. I've learned more about myself and God. I've gotten one of the best places to live, that I could have asked for. I've got people that support me, yet tell me what I need to hear, all the while pushing me to go further and further with my faith. There are many days, I am left questioning if the decisions I've made were the right ones. Were the things I gave up, worth it all? Yes. In fact, looking back now, I would not take back this year for anything. The things I've sacrificed are minor compared to what Christ has sacrificed for me.

So, to me, life, is represented so much through-out that song. And, like the song, life makes me happy and sometimes sad. Leaves mixed in emotions but at the end of it, I know that its worth being here for, and its worth doing what God is leading you to. Even with twenty-four failures, and twenty-four tries, feeling like we're in twenty-fourth place, and dropping out of twenty-four things, God still raises us from the dead and makes life different with every year, every twenty-four hours and every breath.

Lancaster...

So, I can picture many of you laughing while reading this blog. But thats okay. I get laughed at all the time for this but I guess it just goes along with being who I am.
On Mother's Day I went up to Lancaster with, who else, my mother. I knew that we'd spend most of the day in the car because its what she enjoys doing (luckily I enjoy it just as much or even more, so it didn't give us something to butt heads on...). She had said that she wanted to go to Gettysburg or Lancaster, but since we're in Gettysburg all the time, I thought we should switch it up and go to Lancaster.
On the way there, or right outside of the the actual city of Lancaster, we came across this awesome park which was just amazing. I'm not sure exactly how big it is, but it has a million different sports fields where they had a bunch of games going on, a river/big stream running right through it, an amazing garden, a skate park and so much more. I know that if I lived in that area, I would be at that park every day that it was nice out. I'm not the nature-y kind of person that always wants to hike or camp for days, but I really do love just hanging out by the reservoir and at parks.
But, my favorite part of the whole trip was seeing the Amish people. I don't know what it is but there is something I just love about them. I'm fascinated with their lifestyle and the way they live so simply but so focused. I honestly believe that their life is the life that God would picture everyone involved in. They're close to their family, because they all live around. Everyone is there for each other whenever something is going on. Their relationships are more personable because they don't cheat with email and text messaging. I don't think you'd understand unless you were me, so I'm not gonna waste too much time trying to convince you why its cool. But nonetheless, I really enjoyed being up there. It was a great day for it, and it was only at the very beginning and very end that my mother and I fought, so that was a start. It was a good day, for me. I mean, beside the fact that Mother's Day is seriously one of the hardest days of the year for me, it was good

the res

Yesterday, and today as well, I've been in this funk. I don't know why, mostly because there are a couple of people in my life that continuously make me feel inadequate. I hate feeling like that, but luckily most of the time when I'm feeling this way, its pretty surface. Give me a few days and it'll all be over. Thankfully, God spared me from a meeting that would have seriously made my day go even farther. I need to realize though, that at the end of the day, it's not what people make out of who I am, it really only matters what God thinks. There are going to be people in my life that will go out of their way to make sure I feel like crap, but there are also people, when I chose to listen to them, are there to reassure my purpose and why I'm here. Thank the Lord for them.
There is something I love to do though when I'm feeling like this, but also on good days. Go to Loch Raven. There's something I can just appreciate by sitting on Loch Raven Drive, that I don't get by being anywhere else. It's not only me. There are always a ton of people there. People in groups, people alone. Some sit in their cars, some walk around. There are people dressed down, people dressed in everyday outfits, and there are even dressed in suits there on their lunch break. I love it. It's a place where people go to just forget about the hectic lives they're so wrapped up in. I've actually never even seen anyone speed on that road. It's hard to, because even if you've got somewhere to be, you know that there is something more to life than that appointment you're late for and all those errands you have to run. Whether we recognize it or not, God runs through our bones and makes us appreciate the simple things; because at the end of the day, none of that other stuff matters

And in the beginning...

So yeah, I'm trying it. This whole blogging thing. I'll try it today and possibly tomorrow, and if you're lucky, I might just keep it updated. We'll see. I figure, my freshmen year of college is over (on Monday) and I made it through, maybe start the summer with a little blog? I'm going to have a ton to write about because this summer is going to be full of experiences. A trip to Mexico with the high-schoolers, then turning around and going to Niagara Falls with the middle schoolers, YoungLife camp and then a long road-trip out to Oregon, there is going to be so much to see. I know that if I use this summer just right I could find even more out about myself. This year, as hard as its been, has been a major time of growth for me. I've found out more of who I am, what makes me me, and much much more. I don't know really. I'm scared for the mass amount change that summer means, but excited because I am so sure in my heart that I'm in the right place. That where I am right now, is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Today I stopped by the high school. I haven't really been in that school since we graduated last year; and I realized that, I have changed dramatically since last year. I knew my senior year that God was really taking the old me, and making me new (2 Cor 5:17), but in this past year, I've seen it even more.