as quickly as it arrived; it left.

This retreat was different, I'm not really sure how, or why, or even what makes me say that; but I can feel it.  

 

 ³ Who may ascend the hill of the LORD ?
       Who may stand in his holy place?

 ⁴ He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
       who does not lift up his soul to an idol
       or swear by what is false.

 ⁵ He will receive blessing from the LORD
       and vindication from God his Savior.

 ⁶ Such is the generation of those who seek him,
       who seek your face, O God of Jacob.
       Selah

 Those verses have been in my head and on my heart all weekend.  Is this the generation?  Will we finally learn that there is none like you.  No other idol that we lift our praises to will do the trick.  Will we be the generation that wholly and completely seeks your face? Oh Lord I hope and pray that it is.

“My greatest disappointments in life are when I ask anyone or anything other than Jesus Christ to be my savior.”
-Jon Acuff from SCL Blog 

yeah, this busted me.  
big time.  
it does every day actually.
will I ever learn?
i'm guessing, probably not at this rate.

48 hours

Friday, October 16, 2009

4:00 am - Alarm goes off.

4:30 am - Actually get out of bed

5:30 am - Walk out the door, for those of you who don't know, the sun is NOT up yet.

6:00 am - Arrive at Starbucks to meet Roman for our weekly, Friday morning coffee.  We catch up and talk about what we're going to talk about at Bible study later.

8:00 am - Arrive at work.

8:45 am - Fix and eat my oatmeal.

9:00 am - What should be a five minute meeting with my boss turns into an hour long talk session.  This week we've been talking a lot about Tim and death and what it means.  My boss keeps saying how fragile life is.

10:00 am - Run around to get my morning orders in

1:00 pm - Talk to my boss about the afternoon orders.

1:30 pm - Pat calls.  Late last night Mark and Wills were in an accident.  Mark is looking alright, but Wills may not make it.

1:40 - 2:10 pm - I have no idea what happened in this time period really.  Everything was like a movie, but in the mix of all of it, I got my orders complete, completely broke down in my boss's office, and ran around the building at least 50 times, because as I'm finding, shock doesn't really fare well on me.

2:25 pm - Finally calmed down a little.  My boss gave me some busy work and that helped distract me.

3:30-3:50 pm - Left work and went  to the church.  I have never cried/prayed/yelled/freaked out the way I did on the way to the church. 

4:00 pm - 5:00 pm - Wait at the church for David.  He was making an emergency trip home and once he got home we would go to the hospital.

5:00 pm - Roman and I went to Panera and Wal-Mart.  (He did a great job of dealing with me, even in a zombie state)

6:15 pm - Got to David's and we leave for the hospital

6:45 pm -7:30 pm- Sit at the hospital with the Mayo's.  Find out that Wills has made improvement since the morning but, still not "out of the woods."  Machines are doing all of the work for him.  Visiting hours don't start up again until 8:30.  We decide to head home, and come back tomorrow.

8:00 pm - Walked into the Watts and was handed a beer and dinner.  Thank God for this.

9:00 pm - We decide to head over to Mark's.  He was having trouble walking, and getting around.  Super sore.  We talked about the accident and the Deer Hunter show. 

9:30 pm - Dave and I go rent a movie to take back to Mark's. 

10:00 pm - Help Mark get down the steps to the living room.  It was painful to watch Mark in so much pain.  I've never been so grateful, happy, excited, elated, and every other emotion, to see Mark.  I would have lost it if something happened. 

11:00 pm - Mark is settled on the couch and we watch the movie.


Saturday, October 17, 2009


1:30 am - Get home, sit down, its been crazy.

2:30 am - Still awake.  Mind is reeling, exhausted, worried, happy, freaked out.  I've never felt so many different things at once.

3:30 am - Almost awake for 24 hours and somewhere between crying and praying, I fall asleep.

9:30 am -  Wake up, try to go back to sleep but remember all that has gone on, and my mind is ready for the next day.

11:00 am - Jaime comes over for a lunch that we had planned.  The normalcy of lunch and shopping at Target, keeps me distracted until the 3pm visiting hours start up.

1:30 pm - Redbox and Five Guys with Dave.

2:45 pm - Get to hospital just in time for 3 pm visiting hours.  Hang with the family some.  Wills is doing alright today.  Stable, but still has machines and it's still an minute by minute kind of deal. We got to see him today.  It was hard.  At my work, my job is to deal with respiratory supplies.  I send out/order/deliver all the things you need to breathe through a machine.  Never did I think I would see all of that supplies on a friend, on a healthy 21 year old.

3:30 pm - Head home. 

4:30 pm - Start making an awesome Dirt Cake for Mark.  I know how much Mark loves it, and I could use a little Dirt Cake myself, so it was a win/win.

6:00 pm - Go to my mom's and pick up a classic, Game Boy Color and a couple games for Mark.

7:30 pm - Arrive at Mark's, show his mom some China pictures as he gets to talk to Duncan (yay!).

8:00 pm - Pat comes over and somehow I was forced to watch Independence Day...UGH.  That movie is so ridiculous.  No wonder I haven't seen it up until this point.  But it was great to see that Mark and Pat are still the Mark and Pat they probably were when they were like, 5.  It was the first time I laughed genuinely and really hard in the last 36 hours...and it felt great.

10:30 pm - Pat had to leave, but Mark and I watch Dan in Real Life.


Sunday, October 18, 2009


12:30 am - Get home and go straight to bed.  Two nights in a row I've gone to bed after 12, and that is a huge deal.  My body is tired and hurts.  My emotions are the same way.

9:30 am - With no alarm set, I wake up just in time to make it to church.  After a long debate in my mind, I decide that it would be better to go, and not sit around all day, worrying and thinking.

12:30 pm - I get to hang out with Addi and Keagan and even little Judah for a while, and of course, they make everything feel a little bit better.

1:30 pm -  Hang with my brother and my mom.  Decide that I want to go to hospital again.

2:30 pm - Find http://twitpic.com/m2f6c < on twitter.  Makes me happy to see that Mark is enjoying the Game Boy. haha, especially the Pokemon game.

3:30 pm - Arrive at hospital.  A lot less people there today. 

4:00 pm - Wills is aggitated today.  They cut down on smoe of the sedatives and hes pulling at stuff and very frustrated.  Nurses have to fight to hold him down.

4:30 pm - Vitals aren't looking great.  All they can do is give him more sedatives so he can calm down a bit.

5:30 pm - Wills breaks free of retraints and takes out his breathing tube.  Not sure what these means, could be good or bad.

6:15 pm - Things are looking up for Wills.  They think that he might be able to keep the breathing tube out.  He was talking a bit, really worried about Mark and kept saying sorry.

6:20 pm - I get to go "peek" in.  They don't really want him to see me, because he might get wound up if he's over stimulated, so I just look in the window.  He has gotten himself almost to the point of falling off the bed.  He looked like he was making a fast break.  But the nurses came in and had to literally, wrestle him, back down in bed.  He kind of looks like a zombie and it's hard to watch him struggle.  I wanted everything just to go int he room and talk to him, but the nurses rush us away.

6:25 pm - Because of all the chaos, his vitals are crazy.  They'll be running tests on him later at night to see if him pulling the tubes out did any damage.  If he can start breathing well on his own without the tube, there is a LOT of hope.

6:50 pm - I head the Potis' to see Taylor and the family.

8:30 pm - Get home.  The earliest I've been home in two nights.  I cook some dinner/lunch for the next day, to keep my mind going.

10:30 pm - Head to bed.  



The past 48 hours were absolutely crazy.  I couldn't help but think about something that Roman always says.  Today is today, there is no day like it in history and there will be no day like it in the future.  I would have to say, that I don't want anymore 48 hours like this one.  What we think starts off as a normal day/weekend turns into a rollercoaster ride that is completely unexpected.  Exhuasting.

Savior I come, I quiet my soul, remember

Redemption's hill where Your blood was spilled

For my ransom

Everything I once held dear

I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out

Bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down

And rid me of myself, I belong to You

Oh, lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as, I tempted and trialed, human

Word became flesh, bore my sin and death

Now You're risen

Everything I once held dear

I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out

And bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down

And rid me of myself, I belong to You

Oh lead me, oh, lead me, lead me to Your heart

Lead me to Your heart

Lead me to Your heart

Lead me to Your heart

Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out

Bring me to my knees, Lord, I lay me down

Rid me of myself, I belong to You

Oh lead me, lead me, lead me, lead me

Lead me to the cross, lead me to the cross

I'm so glad i stumbled across there in Wegman's. A little China in America is alright by me.

A list; revisisted.

So, I was going through some of my old blogs, and came across this one.  I wrote it almost two yaers ago and as I was reading it, I realized that I did not make the list long enough, or really challenging enough because in two years, I've done most of them.  It was kind of cool to realize that though.

Things I will do before I die. Not, things I hope to do, or things that would be cool, but things that, God-willing, if I live the average 77 years, will be completed.







-Get through nursing school in one piece ...well, uh, we're still working on this one.


-Spend a little time being a travel nurse..see above.


-Spend at the least a year in another country doing missionary work...ok, so, not a year, but at this point when I wrote this, I never thought that China was anywhere in my future.  This gets a check, not a check plus though, not yet at least.


-Get married we'll get there, we'll get there


-Have at least 3 kids.  well this certainly isn't happening without the one above it.


-Go to every continent (maybe not Antarctica or The North Pole) asia- check


-Be a woman of God. To the best of my ability.  there is plenty more that I need to learn in this, but I can honestly say that I've spent the last two eyars continuing on towards this. check


-Learn to play piano, guitar and violin/cello (I'll accept either of the last two)


-Keep my integrity intact, and never let someone compromise that. (Mrs. Euker would be very proud) I've done this too.  I've gotten better at saying no to certain things and finding out what I really believe in, and sticking to it.


-Drive across the USA at least 2 more times. Interstate 10 being the next route.  name the week/time/place to meet, i'll bring all 100 lbs of luggage I always seem to travel with, and we'll go.


-Go to all 50 states only 21 more to go.  I'd say thats pretty good.


-Forgive  whoa, its been tough, but in a few parts of my life, I've been able to do this.


-Live in the city uh, Shanghai anyone?  If cities were ranked in manliness, or toughness, Shanghai would be an Arnold Schwartzineger (I butchered his name, I'm okay with it). post terminator. so uh, check.


-Live in the middle of nowhere looking back, i'm not really sure what my standards for this were, but judging by the fact I grew up in Hereford, I'm guessing I have yet to acheive what I really meant by this.


-Make a difference I'm finding that I'm doing this everyday.  Sometimes its in apositive way, sometimes...not.  But after leaving China and coming back home, its evident that God has used me to make differences all around.


-Keep good company I'm now way better at setting boundaries and being with people that I not only enjoy being around, but that fill me up too.


-Sit around at a 24 hour laundry mat all night. okay Kristen, define all night? not long after this, Pat and I sat in a laundry mat for HOURS, and I even witnessed pat crawl into a dryer, and no be able to get out, so this one? complete.


-Stay up for 48 hours straight, for no reason at all I think I would seriously die if I let myself do this.


-Be a role model I'm learning that this goes along with "making a difference."  I am a role model to a ton of people, as are you, now, what I do with that isn't always positive, but there are always people/students watching to see what I do...I just hope I can use that in a positive way, not a negative one.


-Go backstage at a concert.  storm the beaches? or maybe that doesn't count (no offense boys) so i'm ognna throw out the ole apathy eulogy.  yeah, backstage at hamilton, what what.

Next time I make a list, I will have to be sure to make it more difficult/exciting.  Because who wants to make a list that you ca complete in two years?  I might as well put a stamp on me and say, "Well I did my 'List of Things to Do Before I Die,' this must be it." No.

I'd love to see your new car.

So, last week, my friend Roman and I were been meeting at 6 am.  Crazy, right? Well, maybe not.

A couple of weeks ago we had talked about starting a small group for college students.  The week before the first night of the study we (mostly Roman, I just agreed) decided that we should meet in the morning, every morning leading up to Friday.  Well after the 2nd day, it stopped seeming so crazy and was becoming a great thing.  The days were proving to be better because of the great start we were getting.


We started getting a better idea of what God wanted from the group, and on Wendesday, we were talking a lot about community.  What it looks like, what it SHOULD look like and how do you create it?


Well while we were sitting there we noticed things about the Starbucks we were in.  This was a community, a strong one.


The famous Barista.  There is one woman there, and I wish I knew her name, but she loves her job.  She knows almost every person that walks through the door by name.  She knows the drink the get, the car they drive and something about their life.  Most of the time she wasn't creating small talk, she was asking them how something went the night before or how they're day looked.  She was having real conversations with the people in that small, 5 minute window that she got each day with them.  Then, we noticed her walk out the door and was takling to a customer by his car.  When she came back in, she was telling the other baristas about this guy's new car.  The guy had bought a new car, and she stopped everything she was doing to go see it.


The customers.  I'm not sure if this Starbucks got lucky and collected all the nice, friendly, life-enjoying customers or if its a product of the enviornment the employees have created.  My money's on the second one.  I've hung around a lot of different Starbucks, and I've never seen one that only has friendly customers.  There was a lady throwing away her trash and noticed the guy who was sitting at a table had some trash  People were holding doors for each other, and left and right others were complimenting each other.  It really was a sight. 

So, what did I learn?  Well, one big thing I learned is that a part of community is in the small things.  I hope that I can remember that the next time I see someone with a lot of trash on their table or hearing someone mention that they just bought something.  If you're there for the small things, then people will know that you're there for the big things.  Being there is the key.

fire and rain

I heard you were back in town

I heard you were coming 'round

Trying to get off the ground

From every road you went down

I walked down to your street

Could still feel the old heat

If you're burning on empty

I'll be holding a golden ring

'Cause hey hey, they don't know you like I do

I'd wait, for the whole world to show you

Maybe we're not, not that gone

Do you ever think about me?

Do you ever call my name?

Ask me now I'll give you the reasons

My love will not fade

Through the fire and rain

The fire and rain

I'll meet you half-way

If you're coming the long way

Don't care what the people say

Of the prodigal runaway

'Cause hey hey, they don't know you like I do

I'd wait, for the whole world to show you

Maybe we're not, not that gone

Do you ever think about me?

Do you ever call my name?

Ask me now I'll give you the reasons

My love will not fade

Through the fire and rain

The fire and rain

I love this song.  Love love love love it.

a little "kick" if you will

So, there's this blog called "Stuff Christian's Like".  In my opinion, this guy (Jon Acuff) is hilarious.  He's always writing about things in Christianity or the church and they always crack me up.  If you have never read his blog, take a minute or two to read a few, especialllly if you work/have worked at a church.  Sometimes, I'll be sitting by myself at Starbuck, laughing so hard I'm crying because of some of the stuff he says. On Wednesdays he calls it "Serious Wednesday" which just means that he cutsback on being funny and (some) the sracastic comments and writes about something about God that gets him.

I stumbled acoss this particular "serious wednesday" post and this is what I got.

It hit me, in a good way.  I wouldn't say it's exactly how I feel at this very moment about everything in my life, but seeing how it hit me hard enough to post a blog about it, than I'm guessing it took a toll somewhere in my heart.

welcome baby judah

judah landon siegers was born on august 24. i got to stop by the hospital on the 25th and hang with him and the rest ofthe siegers crew. at a whopping 10 lbs 2 oz. he was a "pretty big deal" can't wait to see more of this little guy!








what a good big sister!



i'm sure she was learning to not touch his face, or at least not grab it with her whole hand




those hospital beds are just too cool.

hello autumn.

With the start of school came the cooler fall weather. That's okay. I love when the change in weather is noticeable from day to day.

I haven't updated this thing in the longest time, and for some reason, I was inspired today to do something with it. Tell you what I've done/been up to since I've been home, can you believe its already been three months? There are some days that I feel like I just got home, and others, I almost forget I even went to China because of the way things feel so natural here.

Since I've been home I've:

-caught up with a million people.
-gotten a job. full time, benefits and all of that big girl stuff.
-lived in three different houses
-found a permanent place to live, which I will move into in october
-started class...yikes!
-ate at every place that I missed while I was away
-drove a car
-totaled a car
-visited some friends in tennessee
-went to countless concerts(at LEAST 10), some local, some not, man, its hard to believe i went 6 months with no live music
-sang really really loud in my car
-sat at loch raven
-watched clouds
-sat on a porch and watched a storm roll in, then back out again
-witnessed a tornado (a baby one, maybe, but still scary)
-went to granny's;
-andy nelsons
-learned more about baltimore. i'm a better tour guide in shanghai than i am in baltimore.
-found old friends
-made new friends
-watched my girls graduate, and go to college (double yikes!)



There way more other things I've done since being home. These are just some that I made a effort to make sure they happened as soon as I got home. And there are some things in the list that would have been nice had they NOT happened (totaled a car ring a bell?).

There are some times that I miss China. Somedays, I even miss Carrefour (get out!). But, at the end of it all, I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. I can feel it when I walk into work or school or church. And it's not because it's "easier" here, because now, sometimes it's not.

As Suz always said, speak soon.

we'll never be ready if we keep waiting for the right time.

When I was younger, we had a "merry-go-round" in our front yard. It dated back to when my dad was a kid, and my grandfather brought it home from a school that was getting rid of it. I had a favorite bar that I always pushed from. One of the beams had broke underneath so one side was a little wobbly. The ground on the side that was close to the house was higher up than the other side, so when dragging your feet, you always had to lift your legs up a bit when you came around to that side. It was white but it's age was shown as rust broke through the paint.
To make it work, you had to push it yourself. This would entail grabbing on of the bars and running as fast as you can in a circle. Once it was full speed, you have to jump on, while it's moving. The goal, is to get it as fast as you can and be able to jump on, with out causing it to slow down at all. If you weren't very good at this, or not used to how to go through the motions of this, you would cause the merry-go-round to slow down when you jumped on. And, if you were brand new at the whole, merry-go,round thing, you might even find yourself face down in the dirt from a failed attempt; maybe more than once.
I really didn't know what to expect when I came back from China. In China, time doesn't seem real. It was hard for me to grasp that everyone in the States was still moving with school and life, and there I was in China, just staying put. A lot of people were graduating college, finding jobs and houses, all while I was in China. I'm not saying anything about what was "achieved" or degrading the time I spent in China. It was well spent, but it felt a lot like Neverland. The world moving at 1,000 mph and then me standing completely still in China.
When I was younger, and would play on the merry-go-round, I had done it so many times that I was great at spinning it really fast, and jumping on, without anyone noticing that I had ever left the ground. Not from practice, but by the grace of God, coming home was the same way. I jumped right back into life here. I had a place to live, found a couple jobs, and got right back with the people that I had left. From the second my plane landed, it felt like I never left at all. What a great feeling.

Home.

I get in my car, with my phone and my ipod in the front seat next to me. Push the "aux in" button twice and now there is music over flowing my car. Windows down, music up, and this is what home feels like. I can see for miles with a sky this blue.
My first weeks home are busy with lunches and dinners and hanging out at everyone's houses. My brother and I laugh about something that we see on TV. Something that is in English and there are no Chinese subtitles. I smile when the guy at Starbucks asks me how I'm doing....in English. I no longer use my hands to talk...as much. I also don't find myself saying Ni-hao or xie xie. A place where I am understood. Not just because I speak the language, but because I look a lot like everyone here. I have yet to turn around and see someone snatching a picture of me on their not-so-hidden xlr.
I love sharing stories of China, but not in one big chunk. I love hearing about what's been going on HERE since I left. Occasionally I'll slip a "In China they..." but besides that, I don't talk about it much. Not because I didn't enjoy it, but because I love being home. I'm excited about this next season.

It's ALL God's children...

singing Glory, Glory, Hallelujah, He reigns.

It continues to blow my mind that every time I ask someone "Where are you from" that they have these long amazing stories of all they've seen and places that they've lived that I had no idea existed until I moved here. I will miss having a church made up of people literally from all over the world. My eyes have truly been opened.

It’s the song of the redeemed
Rising from the African plain
It’s the song of the forgiven
Drowning out the Amazon rain
The song of Asian believers
Filled with God’s holy fire
It’s every tribe, every tongue, every nation
A love song born of a grateful choir

It’s all God’s children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns
It’s all God’s children singing
Glory, glory, hallelujah
He reigns, He reigns

Let it rise above the four winds
Caught up in the heavenly sound
Let praises echo from the towers of cathedrals
To the faithful gathered underground
Of all the songs sung from the dawn of creation
Some were meant to persist
Of all the bells rung from a thousand steeples
None rings truer than this

I look to my left and there is Adrienne, from Iowa and then to my right is Suz, from Australia. I, myself am from Maryland. The three of us have completely different stories. But, nonetheless, here we are, three white girls in China, holding orphans and laughing as the one I am trying to feed spits out the food I just tried to give her. We've been friends since the first times we met each other. Three single, white, college level girls all need to stick together, and that's exactly what we've done.
Adrienne is the first of us to leave. She left this morning to go home and start life as a college freshman. She is the first to go back to "real life." I am next.

I've been here a mere 4 months and already, my heart aches about the day I leave...and I don't want to answer the question of "when I'm leaving" anymore.

Wait, I'm wrong
Should have done better than this
Please, I'll be strong
I'm finding it hard to resist
So show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
Ill pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for, oh lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for, oh Lord

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord, Ive been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Just save me from being confused
Wait, I'm wrong
I cant do better than this
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused

Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for

sun won't you come shine some light in our lives.

As I sit outside of Starbucks on this perfect, sunny, 75 degree day I have one phrase going through my mind, Seriously Ridiculous.

Life here is unreal. Money isn't really an object to most of the people who are living here. They're not worried about if they'll get a paycheck next week, or if they'll have enough money to get through until next month. If/when the car breaks down, the driver will go get it fixed and then I need not to think about it again.

I had a conversation with a young student last week. He is in 5th grade and is curious about everything. He asks a lot of questions, but for the most part, they're usually questions that we all think, we just have too much pride to ask. He asked me when I was going home, and I told him at the end of May. He then asked when I was coming back...I responded with "I'm not." I could in his face that this was a surprise. More questions came some along the lines of "Why" and "What will you do back home" and many more full of details of what my life will look like back home. Then, at the end he asked, "Why would you even come here if you weren't going to stay that long? That's really unfair."

Wow. Just when I was having one of those "God, why am I in China?" moments, and he throws this questions out. I didn't an answer. Was I really so naive to think that God would bring me out here to have no effect? Was I selfish enough to believe that I was in China so that I could focus solely on myself?

This conversation of questions has made me think a lot. It made me realize that the next time I go somewhere, I want it to be for more than just a few months. God has given me incredible relationships here, and I feel like with most of them, I am just getting to the point where they're deeper and more meaningful, and now, I'm about to leave. Also, that God uses us in ways we never think about. I've talked to that particular student only a few times, and somehow, somewhere, God has used me to impact him in a way that he will actually be sad to see me go.

The challenges here are a different kind of hard. It's less worrying about materialistic things and more about relationships. Who is going home for good, first? That kid that sits next to you in 1st period chemistry might not be there tomorrow because his family had to pack up and move back home suddenly. "Home" is a foreign word. This kids and families are good at saying goodbye, but that that doesn't make it easier. They might know where they're next paycheck is coming from, but have no idea who is going to fill the role of "best friend."

In my family, money was talked about a lot. We were by no means "poor" but some weeks were better than others and family vacations were far and few. I believed for a long time that a little bit more money would make things better, easier, but now as I sit in one of the most prestigious parts of Shanghai, I'm coming to realize that I would gladly take fewer vacations and cheaper clothes for a stable support group and a place to call home.

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

2 Corinthians 4:10-11

birthdays

I'll write more on the trip itself later on, I'm still processing.

I got off the bus, the place I called home for 48 hours. It took us nearly 9 hours to get to Anhui and almost 11 to get back to Shanghai. In-between we spent a lot more traveling time in the bus or in little tiny vans traveling from village to village, I was ready to be on solid ground. It was Sunday night and I had been going strong and fast since we left on Friday. We met lots of people and saw a lot of different things and I was exhuasted.

Also, Sunday was Easter, as well as my birthday. Since I didn't know anyone on the trip, no one knew it was my birthday. I didn't tell anyone that it was; there wasn't a context for it, and the trip was in no way about me. We were there to serve and I didn't want change that. While we were on the way home I had my family and some friends call me to wish me a happy birthday and a great day. I would have a happy, great Easter Sunday, like always, but this Sunday was different.

Every Easter and holiday that we have at my Aunt Sharon's, we always would call my Uncle Mickey, who lives in Georgia, and pass the phone around and wish him a Happy Easter, give him the 5 minute synopsis of the last couple months in our lives and then pass the phone on. As my family called to wish me a Happy Easter and a Happy Birthday, I realized that for the first time in my whole life, I was on the other side of that phone call. I was the one listening to the 5 minute wrap up of what has gone on since I left, and then in turn, give my version a couple times. I hated it; and because of the time difference, they couldn't even call me as a group, it had to be individually early in the morning(for them) so that I would still be awake. Needless to say, I was homesick.

The bus dropped us off at the clubhouse in my neighborhood. As I walk home, I realize how tired, worn out, stretched, sad I am, combined with many many other emotions that I can't quite figure out. I'm sad because the most I had laughed in days was when I was on the phone with someone who was 10,000 miles away. I walk around the corner, I can now see my house, just a few more steps and I'm there. I will walk in, give the very brief unprocessed version of my weekend and then proceed downstairs where I will pass out.

My plan is dramtically changed when I push open the front door and see this:



I stood there for a second, registering. I peek around the corner and the dining room is full of people who are there, on Easter night to welcome me home and celebrate my birthday with me. Lee, Brad, Natalie, Adrienne, Abby, Brenda, David, Ron, Ally, Isabel, Matt, Charles and Etienne, all who waited there for hours because my original ETA was 7:30, and I walked in the door at 9:30.

I was so excited, joyful, tired, hungry, grateful, and many other things that I was shaking for the first ten minutes. I also hadn't eaten a real meal in almost 24 hours because for some reason, duck necks, turtle, eel and chicken stomach just don't appeal to me.

It was exactly what I needed at the end of the weekend I had.

Anhui

pronounced ahn-way.

This weekend I get to go on a trip to Anhui, which is a small town about seven hours away from where I am in Shanghai. I'm really excited to see a different side of China. Being in Shanghai is different than being in any city in the States, but for the most part, its very similar. I can't wait to see a small town and the way people live there. I know this will be an eye opening experience. Also, I will be spending Easter, as well as my birthday in a car on some back roads. A road trip, for my birthday, this is, in all honesty, one of the best gifts I could recieve.

I will have a lot of pictures and stories to tell when I return. Have a great weekend and a very happy Easter!

Find an Easter Egg for me!

once in a lifetime

This past weekend, I had the awesome privilege of singing with a guy named Dillippe. He has been lots of places and met a handful of talented and famous people. I found out that he spent some time with the Hillsong worship team, and even played a few concerts with them. It is one of those moments that I know I will remember for years to come.

There have been more moments like this during my couple of months in China. Times where I sit back late that night and know that this particular oppotunity would have never come had I chosen differently a few months ago. I wouldn't know the students, with very different and diverse backgrounds than my own, that I know now. I wouldn't know how relationally yet introverted I can really be. I wouldn't have heard the gospel from a homeless man just waiting for a shower and some clean clothes. I would have never realized the joy of riding a bike around my compound on a sunny, clear day. I would have never appreciated a blue sky the way I do now.

The moments where I think to myself, if I was brought to China just to experience this one thing, I am a better person than the one that left Baltimore in January.

adapting.

Last night Chrissy had some people over to have dinner and play some cards. After a game of Up and Down the River, I decided to go home. I walk down to get my bike to find out that it is raining. It's the kind of rain, that back when I was working at Graul's, people would rather hang out in the lobby for a couple minutes and wait for it to "pass" instead of running to their cars. I was really tired and knew that waiting didn't really make much sense in my case because I was still going to bike home, so whether the rain decided to "let up" or stay strong, I was still going to get wet.
I remembered that in my purse I had my umbrella. I decided to do as the Chinese and ride with one hand on the handle bars and the other holding an umbrella over my head.





Tonight, Natalie, Adrienne and I went to get massages. We debated how we would get there...walk...bike...taxi. Adrienne and I both have a bike but Natalie hasn't ridden on in a long time and doesn't have a desire to start. As we sat and watched tv, wasting some time before our massages, we realized that we didn't have enough time to walk there, we would ahve to ride a bike or take a taxi. It's not far to Dragon Fly, so it seemed silly to take a taxi...eventually, we decided on taking our bikes. My bike is like the bike in the picture above, and it has a rack on top of the back wheel, which can be used for putting a bag of groceries, carrying something heavy and in most cases in china, tranporting a person. Natalie rode on the back of my bike, just like the Chinese do. It is a LOT harder than it looks. Turns no longer can be as sharp as before, legs have to work a little bit harder and you never want to come to a full stop. We laughed the whole time, interrupted with some screams when I thought a bus and a car were going to hit us.
I can't imagine what the Chinese thought when they saw two foreigners on one bike, both with blonde hair. Definitely a recipe for some staring.

break my heart for what breaks yours.

I sang this line from a song all day today. "Break my heart for what break yours."

Today Suz and I tried something new. She found out at her church about a guy that runs a service for homeless people. We weren't sure what to expect, but we knew that it happened on Wednesday nights, and we figured that we would check it out and if we liked it, we'd come back and if not, it was just one night.

We got there and I began to understand more of what it was. It was open two days a week; Wednesday and Sunday nights. The people could come in, get shower and a clean set of clothes. After giving them clean clothes, the place takes the dirty clothes, washes them, and then when the people come back the next week, they are given their old clothes back.

It seems like such a basic, practical thing. I never in my whole life, would have come up with the idea. It's small. It only has two showers and one washer and dryer; but in the time I was there (two hours or so), I saw about 10 - 15 people get a shower and new clothes.

One old lady, about 80 years old, came in. She was SO tiny...a good 8 or 9 inches shorter than me, and a little hunched over. We tried to give her a new coat. Every coat she would see and say, "It's too nice for me." She didn't think she was worthy of any of the clothes there. We ended up giving her a red coat. It was bright and huge and she laughed at herself because she couldn't believe that she would be wearing something "so nice." It's times like these I wish I could speak Chinese. I would have told her how beautiful she looked and that she is worthy. Not just worthy of a coat, or a sweater but to be treated with respect and to be loved.

God broke my heart tonight. He showed me this new group of people that I would have never paid attention to before tonight. There are a lot of homeless people in Shanghai, but I usually just run by them, hoping that they won't stick their hand out at me. Tonight I realized that they're people too. They like to joke and have fun, play Jenga and practice the litle bit of English they know. I know that God broke my heart tonight because the way these people live, the circumstances they're in, is what breaks his heart.

i will go.

To the desperate eyes and reaching hands
To the suffering and the lean
To the ones the world has cast aside
Where you want me I will be

I will go, I will go
I will go Lord send me
To the world
To the lost
To the poor and hungry
Take everything I am
I'm clay within your hands
I will go,I will go
Send me

Let me not be blind with privilege
Give me eyes to seek the pain
Let the blessing You've poured out on me
Not be spent on me in vain
Let this life be used for change

I Will Go - Starfield

the orphans

So, I write about the orphanage quite often and today I actually remembered my camera and got a chance to take some pictures. These babies are the sweetest little things.





This one is cute, but he knows it!












Just hanging out.





I LOVE this one. I love them all...but this one always imitates what I do. Claps, sings, he starts cracking up if I blow in his face.


Ting Ting!



Wiped out.

Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the orphan. Fight for the rights of widows.
-Isaiah 1:17


¹ Praise the Lord!

Let all that I am praise the Lord.
² I will praise the Lord as long as I live.
I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath.

³ Don’t put your confidence in powerful people;
there is no help for you there.
⁴ When they breathe their last, they return to the earth,
and all their plans die with them.
⁵ But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper,
whose hope is in the Lord their God.
⁶ He made heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them.
He keeps every promise forever.
⁷ He gives justice to the oppressed
and food to the hungry.
The Lord frees the prisoners.
⁸ The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
The Lord lifts up those who are weighed down.
The Lord loves the godly.
⁹ The Lord protects the foreigners among us.
He cares for the orphans and widows,
but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.

¹⁰ The Lord will reign forever.
He will be your God, O Jerusalem, throughout the generations.

-Psalm 146

iConnect 09

This weekend was our Middle School Retreat. It's called iConnect and the theme was "Seriously Ridiculous." The theme fit perfectly with how the weekend went. It went really really well. The students had an awesome time. One of our biggest fears was that the rain would go all throughout the day on Saturday. We had a huge block of free time planned for the students, but most of the stuff we had was outdoors, so if it rained, it would have meant all of us were going to be trapped inside. Well I woke up on Saturday morning to a loud thunderstorm and rain that was pouring down. We had breakfast and then a program, and then the free time. We were half way through the program, and I looked out the window and the rain had completely stopped, and the sun was out! It cleared up in literally a matter of minutes. We were now able to have all of the activities we had planned for outside up and running. After that was over, we all went to dinner, and then back to the program. Once every student was back inside for the program, it started raining again. What an answered prayer. I remember praying, "God, I know we need the rain, so if nothing else, just give us these 5 hours of free time without rain so that the students can run around.." and that's exactly what happened.

Amazing. Here are some pictures:





Brave girls!





It's China, so naturally there were Olympic Rings.



I LOVE this picture. These boys were too cute.





Esther beat ALL of the boys in this. She is SO strong.




Let the races begin!





Aww...Isaac. Bless his heart...he was SOO good this weekend!




Some brave souls that let themselves be JUMPED over. I love Valerie's face(top left corner)...




The theme of the retreat was "Seriously Ridiculous"....by the looks of these pictures...it was the best name we could have chosen.

...to you, it's known as karaoke.

KTV. What more is there to say. It was a fun night, and I think I'm just gonna let the pictures speak for themselves. Also, enjoy the video!






Haha, we are so chinese.







Darryl and Mark were SUPER into it. But, by the looks of it, so was I...





There is nothing else to say. At KTV you can be a diva, rock star, rap sensation...and we were definitely all of those things.

Today Chrissy and I were waiting for a taxi at the mall, and there were no taxis in sight. It had been on and off raining all day, and then out of nowhere, a guy jumps behind me in line and holds an umbrella over my head so that I won't get wet. My first reaction was, "Oh brother, I wonder how much he'll ask me for.." but, it turns out, he was just trying to be nice. He asked where we were from, and what state we used to live in. When a taxi came, I said thanks, and then when I looked out, he put the umbrella away. He only had it out for me.

Guys in the States, take notes.

I don't know how the stars hang
Or how there's night and then there's day
I dont know how you spoke into the black
And made it all obey

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

I dont know how your love works
How you cover me in grace
I dont know how you swallow all I am
When I can't stand my taste

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

I can't explain your mystery
But I know the answer

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

Matt Wertz - All I Know

lifestyles of the [not so] rich and the [not so] famous

I never, in my whole life, thought I would find myself at a fashion show. I'm not fashionable, in the least, I don't really like fashion, and where I'm from, fashion shows never happen. Also, I was seated at a front row table. Crazy. There were huge designers and buyers from Italy and all over the world. It's just one thing after another here.

the smell of struggle

Monday means orphanage day.

I find myself shutting off all emotions before I get there. I do that in selfish defense for myself. It is easier to feel nothing than to allow myself to feel everything for these children. Today the smell in the orphanage was extra strong. It felt damp and dirty the whole time. When we were walking up the steps, I could barely breathe without gagging.

The kids we see are so cute. There is a girl that smiles the biggest smile I've ever seen when you touch her face. One boy with down syndrome learned how to make a clicking sound with his tongue after i sat with him for a while. Another baby is just learning how to clap her hands. There is one girl Ting Ting, that never makes a sound. I am almost positive that she is mute. She is almost four and from what I can tell, is not physically handicapped at all. She is always tied to a crib with a leash-type rope, so that she doesn't walk around. When we go, I make sure that the first thing I do is go untie her. The Ayi's never say anything when I do it, so I guess they just keep her tied so that they don't have to watch her. She always smiles really big when I make weird noises or jump up and down. The other kids take toys from her and push her around. I find myself thinking about her all the time and getting excited to see her when we're almost there.

We usually stay until 11-11:30. We play with them for a while and then we help with feeding them, and then it's nap time.

For the rest of the day I feel like I could throw up at any second. When I turn a certain way, I get a whiff of the what the orphanage smells like and sometimes, if it catches me off guard, I find my heart tightening and remembering what I saw that day.

For me, this smell is horrible and makes me gag and I want nothing more than to take off the clothes, pour bleach on them and then jump in the shower for an hour so I could be sure that the smell was completely gone. On other days, I would have done that. But today I decided that I would not. That I would go all day and whenever I felt sick or got a whiff of the smell, that I would remember that those kids are in those conditions all the time, for the rest of their life most likely. I also would say a little prayer every time I remembered them. It doesn't hurt me to uncomfortable for just a few hours while people are uncomfortable every second of their lives.

1 peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

That is my verse for the day. I don't know why but I woke up and my heard was twisting all up and I was so anxious. Thinking about retreat stuff, visa stuff, going to schools, going home, where will I work when I go home, what about school?? Blah blah blah blah. Stuff that really isn't even that stressful, but for some reason, my body is running at a million miles an hour just thinking about it all.

Oh brother, I just need to relax.

Call to arms

Call to Arms by Angels and Airwaves...you will be my China song.


There's a little black, dark scar tired divide
This is it, can you hear me?
Have you ever felt a sad heart buried alive?
You can do almost anything
There's a little red bridge with the view of the sun with a lake
Recommend such a setting site
And the thousands of stars come out thousands of times
We can go only if you believe.

Only if you believe.

Do you feel like you've lost everything you can lose?
This is it, can you hear me?
When you cry do your tears ever chill up the room?
Calling out in a moment of need.
Do you ever lay awake with the look in the eye?
Asking God if a wish is too big to deny.
I will offer a line, and it's ready for use.
Let me know, are you ready for me?

I'd like to say that you're my only fear
And when I dream, it slowly disappears
And when I wake, I'm right here by your side
To feel your heart beat in and out of time

When the storm brings rain, snow, fate of all kinds
You can feel most anything
When the day seems to melt, fall flat into night
You can feel most anything.
When you can't get up, you gotta get up and try
This is it, can you feel me?
When the bombs come down, we will make it alive
But only, if you wanna believe.

I'd like to say that you're my only fear
And when I dream, it slowly disappears
And when I wake, I'm right here by your side
To feel your heart beat in and out of time.

I'd like to say that you're my only fear
And when I dream, it slowly disappears
And when I wake, I'm right here by your side
To feel your heart beat in and out of time

Today Suz, Adrienne and I joined Lee at an orphanage in Puxi. It's only my second time going, but it was just as hard as the first time. Maybe it was a little bit easier, because I knew what to expect, but it was still hard. ALl the kids that we see are handicapped in some way. Some are blind, some have down syndrome, others have some physical deformities. All they do is lie in bed all day or sit in these chairs that don't allow for them to move at all. Most of the kids, whether they are handicapped since birth or not, can barely walk because they never get let out to try. It's very sad and very very emotionally draining.

As hard as it was to go today, today was a good day. I loved hanging out with Suz and Adrienne and we're researching other things to help with and other ways we can serve.

Today for the first time since I left Mexico, I heard the song Viva la Vida by Coldplay. It was the only song I listened to for the weeks I was in Mexico.

Talk about a crazy rush of memories and feelings.

3 years

Really? Has it been three years since we got the news about Taylor? I think about it at least once every day...still. Sometimes death and loss seem so hard and impossible to deal with. I can't imagine what today must feel like for his family and close friends. I've been thinking and praying for you all day.

Of course, thinking about Taylor, my mind drifts on to Eric. I pray that the class of 2006 has seen better days since those ones in our past. We faced some hard times, but I know we were tightest class to come out of Hereford. I'm sure of it. If you were there graduation night, you know. I'll never forget the TC on our hats and Eric taking off his gown to reveal is Marine uniform seconds before his name was called.

One of the biggest honors of high school was being named "Unsung Hero" with Eric in our Senior Superlatives. Who would have known?

TC
ER

Today I helped with a HUGE clothing drive. There's an organization called "River of Hearts." A couple times a year, people in the Shanghai area can donate their old clothes, and then a huge group of volunteers gather on a Saturday to sort and bag, and then they are delivered to villages through out China.

It's amazing to walk into a school cafeteria and see 100's of people sorting bags upon bags of clothes. I met people from Africa, New Zealand, the UK, USA....people from every corner of the earth, gathering together for one purpose. Awesome. I'm completely blown away sometimes.

I don't know why, but heart is breaking for Mexico today.

a little taste of...

It's walking into the Super Brand Mall and passing a Sephora and realizing that it smells just like the one in Towson Towne Center.
It's having my iPod on shuffle and then Deereco Road or the Apathy Eulogy come on.
It's having 5 new emails in my inbox, all personally written just for me.
It's having my screen saver pop up and seeing all of the pictures that are on my computer cycle through.


It's a little taste of home. Not enough to make me sad, just little reminders that make me smile, no matter what I'm doing.

50 random things

So, on my friend Suz's blog, she made a list of 50 random things about her. I love things like this because I think that we're all random and quirky and there are things about people you might never know unless it came up, or you asked. So, I decided to make a list.

1.) my middle name is irene
2.) i go by kristen, k hoov, hoover, sissy, irene, krisgey, and in china, if i hear them say anything remotely close to "chris," i'll answer to that too.
3.) the right song can make or break my day
4.) i love maps. i google map everything.
5.) i can successfully tell you where every state is in the U.S.
6.) i've been to 30 states, i will go to all
7.) i love real estate. just about every city/town i go to, i always look for the free real estate magazines.
8.) i could go for a chocolate molten cake from chili's
9.) my electricty just went out. i'm not afraid of the dark, but i don't really want to be alone, in the basement, in the complete dark, in china
10.) i never ever thought i would miss balitmore so much. i knew i would miss the people, but the actual city
11.) i feel 100% safer walking around china at night then i ever did walking around baltimore...sometimes even in the day in baltimore
12.) my life dramatically changed on a trip to mississippi in '06. i mean, dramatically changed.
13.) i love meeting new people
14.) i take things way too personally
15.) i would love to have a job in the music profession. something backstage.
16.) i would love to be a nurse
17.) i would love to work with kids
18.) i would love to major in foreign languages and be an interpreter
19.) i would love to be a flight attendent
20.) see why i've had a hard time picking just one major?
21.) i still sleep with the blanket that my aunt made for me when i was born. it's in china with me right now
22.) i love plans. i love having everything planned, although my life does not often reflect that.
23.) i love school. i know that i'll go back when i get back to the states, that why i've never had a problem with taking a semester off.
24.) i REALLY like school supplies. new pens and notebooks are the best.
25.) i like singing and i'm good at it. i never ever want to sing as a job. i'd rather be behind the scenes
26.) i cannot act. at all...although i'm very dramatic and animated.
27.) i make myself at home very very easily, so don't say that unless you mean it.
28.) i know we're friends when you don't knock on my front door, you just walk right in, and when you're fine with me doing the same.
29.) when you're late, i think you're rude. even if we're best friends.
30.) i always ahve to go to the bathroom.
31.) i love airports...i could sit in one all day
32.) when i'm having a crappy day, i go get my hair cut.
33.) my favorite movies are probably prince caspian and the inn of the sixth happiness
34.) i don't ever want a dog, but i like them...but we're not gonna be best friends or anything. i think they're cute, pet them, and then i'm over it
35.) i like structure. i like having my days organized full of routines
36.) i love hereford. i can't help it
37.) one of my favorite things to eat is sweet potatoes from let's dish.
38.) i bite my nails.
39.) i'm a morning person
40.) i could look at floor plans all day
41.) i just recently found out that sitting the back of a car in stop and go traffic, makes me nauseous.
42.) i've watched more tv in china than i ever did when i was home
43.) but, 42 is a result of knowing a place that sells dvds at less than a dollar for one.
44.) i love driving.
45.) my ipod goes everywhere and i listen to it all of the time.
46.) i'm really picky about how my iTunes is organized
47.) i can't wait to go back to school
48.) the clock in my car was always 14 or 17 minutes fast
49.) i wish i was born in the 40's so i could have grown up in the 50's and 60's
50.) a couple of years ago i made a decision that changed the course of everything in my life. if you're curious, ask me.