reluctant heart.

Things I will do before I die. Not, things I hope to do, or things that would be cool, but things that, God-willing, if I live the average 77 years, will be completed.

-Get through nursing school in one piece
-Spend a little time being a travel nurse
-Spend at the least a year in another country doing missionary work
-Get married
-Have at least 3 kids.
-Go to every continent (maybe not Antarctica or The North Pole)
-Be a woman of God. To the best of my ability.
-Learn to play piano, guitar and violin/cello (I'll accept either of the last two)
-Keep my integrity intact, and never let someone compromise that. (Mrs. Euker would be very proud)
-Drive across the USA at least 2 more times. Interstate 10 being the next route.
-Go to all 50 states
-Forgive
-Live in the city
-Live in the middle of nowhere
-Make a difference
-Keep good company
-Sit around at a 24 hour laundry mat all night.
-Stay up for 48 hours straight, for no reason at all
-Be a role model
-Go backstage at a concert.



This will be an on going list. As I think of more, I'll add them. But, by the looks of this, I better get started.

Just 19.

Oh I am young but I have aged.
Waited long to seize the day.
All things said and plenty done,
Oh I am young but I have a past.
Traveled far to find the start.
Yes I am scared and I've been burnt.
But life is short.

Could this be the day I've waited for?

Hm. This speaks to me, especially with how I've been feeling lately. I love that she says "I am young, but I have aged....I am young but I have a past."

Being young might mean that we have LESS experience, but it by no means means that I have NO experience. I've been on this earth long enough to have had some life happen to me. But, I must say, these past two months, I've really enjoyed just being....19. Not 25 or 40. Not running a million things and being in roles where everyone, of different ages looks up to me. Just going to school, work and church (for enjoyment, not to work) has been great. I can feel that I'm starting to get back to where I was before. I have my priorities straight, looking to the future, and just being 19. I've been burnt, and I am still scared, but it's not making me back down anymore. For a while, I was so scared that last year would happen again I shut down from everything; then once I realized I was doing that, I jumped full force into too many things and it almost did happen again. But now, life is balanced. Or, its getting there at least. I can feel it.
I might be just 19, but that's old enough for me right now.

I'll end it though you started it.

I'll be the one who'll break my heart.
I'll be the one to hold the gun.
I know more than I knew before.

I don't know what I knew before
But now I know I want to win the war
No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick-drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words

I'll be the one who'll break my heart
I'll end it, though you started it


Yep. That's usually how it goes. I'm the one that screws something up, gets scared and runs away.

Catch up catsup ketchup....what?

I was talking to someone the other day and we were kind of reflecting the last year of our lives. How a lot can change in a year and it makes us grow up in a lot of ways. We talked about how challenging last year really was and what we'd been through. He made a pretty big move this past summer; miles away from home, almost on his own, and I asked him if he felt like he had changed a lot. He said that he didn't know that it was him changing so much right now, but realizing how much he grew last year and having last year's change finally catch up to him.
I have never thought about it that way. But I definitely agree. When you're all caught up in the moment you don't care if you've changed. It's not important. I say change, but I guess I really mean "grow." Change always sounds like a negative term to me, but grow, means you've gained something from the experience and you've realized you have something to improve.
I suppose I just have to wait for this change to catch up with me.
Late night blogs are becoming a habit. I'm not ever sure this one made sense. We'll see.

The more that I learn, the more I can’t understand

It takes more time than I've ever had,
Drains the life from me,
Makes me want to forget,
As young as I was,
I felt older back then,
More disciplined,
Stronger and certain,
But I was scared to death of eternity,
I was saved by grace,
But destroyed by naivety,
And I lied to myself,
And said it was for the best,

And now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
I've disregarded what I was,
Now that I'm older,
And I know much more than I did back then,
But the more I learn,
The more I can't understand,
And I've become content with this life that I lead,
Where I drink to much and don't believe in much of anything,
And I lie to myself,
And say it's for the best,

We're moving forward,
But holding ourselves back,
And we're waiting on something that will never come
(And I lied to myself, and said it was for the best)

What does does Christmas mean to you?

Candles burning low, lot's of mistle toe, or lots of snow and ice everywhere we go. To me, it's none of those things. It's never been about those things. I grew up in a family where Christmas was more a headache than a blessing. It just meant that we had to go somewhere as a family and that never turned out well. Recently, Christmas doesn't even get me excited. I don't dread it like I used to, so thats a step in the right direction I suppose.
Each year I'm finding out more and more what Christmas really means to me. Yeah, I go to church and I get the message about Christ, but I think at the end of the day, it should be our goal through out the whole year, everday, to remember that He was born for us. So it's not often that I really take a ton of time around Christmas to remember that because I've tried my best to remember it all year.
Hm, but if I could sum up what Christmas means to me this year, it would go something like this.
It's sitting around the Korby's kitchen laughing at dumb stuff and getting the Christmas Eve dinner all ready. It's talking to my brother about something our dad did once again and laughing until our stomachs hurt. It's watching how (he probably didn't even notice he was doing this) Ron's mood slowly got lighter and happier as his flight for Florida got closer and closer. It's going to church with a bunch of friends that, and then having the Everetts sit down right next to us. It's Ashley, and her many glasses of wine telling me and Pat how much she loves Christmas and, she's alright! It's coming home and having all the Korby's asleep on various spots of the living room floor. It's my little cousin telling me 4382439 times that Santa will bring him that airplane tomorrow and he can't wait.
This year, I realized more than ever that it's about family. Maybe it's not always our own, but I've found that when I surround myself with people and just laugh, that's when I remember that it's Christmas. It doesn't need to be the cliche family either. Just people to come over, watch stupid tv shows and laugh at funny stuff. That, is family enough for me.
Ask yourself, what does Christmas really mean to you.

just give me your hand and we'll jump out the window

It might be the percocet, or I might just be feeling better about things.

I had my jump start. It worked and I think, maybe, I'm back to normal. I know there is still a lot of work to do. I'm not gonna jump into another role like I did in the summer. But I just feel more like, me now. I'm pretty sure it happened when I went to Deep Creek. I needed those six hours in a car, by myself. I needed to be somewhere without a computer, and not the same place I always am. I rarely answered my phone the whole night. It was amazing not to be around drama and headache for 5 seconds and just soak in life.

I went up there because I wanted to. I didn't think I needed the time for myself, I was just being selfish. I was going so I could get away right before my surgery because I knew I would be stuck in a house foreverrr. But it was awesome, because God totally used it for something else.

I'm excited for 2008.

1, 2, 3, CLEAR

These past couple of weeks I've been in this weird, apathetic kind of mood. Not just towards God, but towards everything. I felt like I hadn't really gotten excited about anything in a while. I have not been hot nor cold, but luke warm. I don't know. I can't really explain it, but if you've been there, you know what I'm talking about. I feel like a battery. I was back on the charger but it wasn't quite long enough and I'm running out of power.

We're gonna need the defibrillator for this one. Stand back. On three....

I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear




How could you see what you see and not totally
Want to discontinue me for all eternity and then some
It bothers me so that I could be so
Completely unaffected when connected to the holy one
And so I sit here and stare at this page and wonder
At what age it will become clear to me




I feel like I'm just wondering around, not really serving a real purpose, maybe this is because my gifting is in serving and leadership and when I'm not in a role that involves one or both I feel like I'm not really being used. Who knows.