break my heart for what breaks yours.

I sang this line from a song all day today. "Break my heart for what break yours."

Today Suz and I tried something new. She found out at her church about a guy that runs a service for homeless people. We weren't sure what to expect, but we knew that it happened on Wednesday nights, and we figured that we would check it out and if we liked it, we'd come back and if not, it was just one night.

We got there and I began to understand more of what it was. It was open two days a week; Wednesday and Sunday nights. The people could come in, get shower and a clean set of clothes. After giving them clean clothes, the place takes the dirty clothes, washes them, and then when the people come back the next week, they are given their old clothes back.

It seems like such a basic, practical thing. I never in my whole life, would have come up with the idea. It's small. It only has two showers and one washer and dryer; but in the time I was there (two hours or so), I saw about 10 - 15 people get a shower and new clothes.

One old lady, about 80 years old, came in. She was SO tiny...a good 8 or 9 inches shorter than me, and a little hunched over. We tried to give her a new coat. Every coat she would see and say, "It's too nice for me." She didn't think she was worthy of any of the clothes there. We ended up giving her a red coat. It was bright and huge and she laughed at herself because she couldn't believe that she would be wearing something "so nice." It's times like these I wish I could speak Chinese. I would have told her how beautiful she looked and that she is worthy. Not just worthy of a coat, or a sweater but to be treated with respect and to be loved.

God broke my heart tonight. He showed me this new group of people that I would have never paid attention to before tonight. There are a lot of homeless people in Shanghai, but I usually just run by them, hoping that they won't stick their hand out at me. Tonight I realized that they're people too. They like to joke and have fun, play Jenga and practice the litle bit of English they know. I know that God broke my heart tonight because the way these people live, the circumstances they're in, is what breaks his heart.

i will go.

To the desperate eyes and reaching hands
To the suffering and the lean
To the ones the world has cast aside
Where you want me I will be

I will go, I will go
I will go Lord send me
To the world
To the lost
To the poor and hungry
Take everything I am
I'm clay within your hands
I will go,I will go
Send me

Let me not be blind with privilege
Give me eyes to seek the pain
Let the blessing You've poured out on me
Not be spent on me in vain
Let this life be used for change

I Will Go - Starfield

the orphans

So, I write about the orphanage quite often and today I actually remembered my camera and got a chance to take some pictures. These babies are the sweetest little things.





This one is cute, but he knows it!












Just hanging out.





I LOVE this one. I love them all...but this one always imitates what I do. Claps, sings, he starts cracking up if I blow in his face.


Ting Ting!



Wiped out.

Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the orphan. Fight for the rights of widows.
-Isaiah 1:17


¹ Praise the Lord!

Let all that I am praise the Lord.
² I will praise the Lord as long as I live.
I will sing praises to my God with my dying breath.

³ Don’t put your confidence in powerful people;
there is no help for you there.
⁴ When they breathe their last, they return to the earth,
and all their plans die with them.
⁵ But joyful are those who have the God of Israel as their helper,
whose hope is in the Lord their God.
⁶ He made heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them.
He keeps every promise forever.
⁷ He gives justice to the oppressed
and food to the hungry.
The Lord frees the prisoners.
⁸ The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
The Lord lifts up those who are weighed down.
The Lord loves the godly.
⁹ The Lord protects the foreigners among us.
He cares for the orphans and widows,
but he frustrates the plans of the wicked.

¹⁰ The Lord will reign forever.
He will be your God, O Jerusalem, throughout the generations.

-Psalm 146

iConnect 09

This weekend was our Middle School Retreat. It's called iConnect and the theme was "Seriously Ridiculous." The theme fit perfectly with how the weekend went. It went really really well. The students had an awesome time. One of our biggest fears was that the rain would go all throughout the day on Saturday. We had a huge block of free time planned for the students, but most of the stuff we had was outdoors, so if it rained, it would have meant all of us were going to be trapped inside. Well I woke up on Saturday morning to a loud thunderstorm and rain that was pouring down. We had breakfast and then a program, and then the free time. We were half way through the program, and I looked out the window and the rain had completely stopped, and the sun was out! It cleared up in literally a matter of minutes. We were now able to have all of the activities we had planned for outside up and running. After that was over, we all went to dinner, and then back to the program. Once every student was back inside for the program, it started raining again. What an answered prayer. I remember praying, "God, I know we need the rain, so if nothing else, just give us these 5 hours of free time without rain so that the students can run around.." and that's exactly what happened.

Amazing. Here are some pictures:





Brave girls!





It's China, so naturally there were Olympic Rings.



I LOVE this picture. These boys were too cute.





Esther beat ALL of the boys in this. She is SO strong.




Let the races begin!





Aww...Isaac. Bless his heart...he was SOO good this weekend!




Some brave souls that let themselves be JUMPED over. I love Valerie's face(top left corner)...




The theme of the retreat was "Seriously Ridiculous"....by the looks of these pictures...it was the best name we could have chosen.

...to you, it's known as karaoke.

KTV. What more is there to say. It was a fun night, and I think I'm just gonna let the pictures speak for themselves. Also, enjoy the video!






Haha, we are so chinese.







Darryl and Mark were SUPER into it. But, by the looks of it, so was I...





There is nothing else to say. At KTV you can be a diva, rock star, rap sensation...and we were definitely all of those things.

Today Chrissy and I were waiting for a taxi at the mall, and there were no taxis in sight. It had been on and off raining all day, and then out of nowhere, a guy jumps behind me in line and holds an umbrella over my head so that I won't get wet. My first reaction was, "Oh brother, I wonder how much he'll ask me for.." but, it turns out, he was just trying to be nice. He asked where we were from, and what state we used to live in. When a taxi came, I said thanks, and then when I looked out, he put the umbrella away. He only had it out for me.

Guys in the States, take notes.

I don't know how the stars hang
Or how there's night and then there's day
I dont know how you spoke into the black
And made it all obey

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

I dont know how your love works
How you cover me in grace
I dont know how you swallow all I am
When I can't stand my taste

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

I can't explain your mystery
But I know the answer

All I know is the bleeding in my heart
And the healing in your touch
All I know is that you gave everything
So let that be enough
'Cause it's all I know

Matt Wertz - All I Know

lifestyles of the [not so] rich and the [not so] famous

I never, in my whole life, thought I would find myself at a fashion show. I'm not fashionable, in the least, I don't really like fashion, and where I'm from, fashion shows never happen. Also, I was seated at a front row table. Crazy. There were huge designers and buyers from Italy and all over the world. It's just one thing after another here.

the smell of struggle

Monday means orphanage day.

I find myself shutting off all emotions before I get there. I do that in selfish defense for myself. It is easier to feel nothing than to allow myself to feel everything for these children. Today the smell in the orphanage was extra strong. It felt damp and dirty the whole time. When we were walking up the steps, I could barely breathe without gagging.

The kids we see are so cute. There is a girl that smiles the biggest smile I've ever seen when you touch her face. One boy with down syndrome learned how to make a clicking sound with his tongue after i sat with him for a while. Another baby is just learning how to clap her hands. There is one girl Ting Ting, that never makes a sound. I am almost positive that she is mute. She is almost four and from what I can tell, is not physically handicapped at all. She is always tied to a crib with a leash-type rope, so that she doesn't walk around. When we go, I make sure that the first thing I do is go untie her. The Ayi's never say anything when I do it, so I guess they just keep her tied so that they don't have to watch her. She always smiles really big when I make weird noises or jump up and down. The other kids take toys from her and push her around. I find myself thinking about her all the time and getting excited to see her when we're almost there.

We usually stay until 11-11:30. We play with them for a while and then we help with feeding them, and then it's nap time.

For the rest of the day I feel like I could throw up at any second. When I turn a certain way, I get a whiff of the what the orphanage smells like and sometimes, if it catches me off guard, I find my heart tightening and remembering what I saw that day.

For me, this smell is horrible and makes me gag and I want nothing more than to take off the clothes, pour bleach on them and then jump in the shower for an hour so I could be sure that the smell was completely gone. On other days, I would have done that. But today I decided that I would not. That I would go all day and whenever I felt sick or got a whiff of the smell, that I would remember that those kids are in those conditions all the time, for the rest of their life most likely. I also would say a little prayer every time I remembered them. It doesn't hurt me to uncomfortable for just a few hours while people are uncomfortable every second of their lives.

1 peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

That is my verse for the day. I don't know why but I woke up and my heard was twisting all up and I was so anxious. Thinking about retreat stuff, visa stuff, going to schools, going home, where will I work when I go home, what about school?? Blah blah blah blah. Stuff that really isn't even that stressful, but for some reason, my body is running at a million miles an hour just thinking about it all.

Oh brother, I just need to relax.

Call to arms

Call to Arms by Angels and Airwaves...you will be my China song.


There's a little black, dark scar tired divide
This is it, can you hear me?
Have you ever felt a sad heart buried alive?
You can do almost anything
There's a little red bridge with the view of the sun with a lake
Recommend such a setting site
And the thousands of stars come out thousands of times
We can go only if you believe.

Only if you believe.

Do you feel like you've lost everything you can lose?
This is it, can you hear me?
When you cry do your tears ever chill up the room?
Calling out in a moment of need.
Do you ever lay awake with the look in the eye?
Asking God if a wish is too big to deny.
I will offer a line, and it's ready for use.
Let me know, are you ready for me?

I'd like to say that you're my only fear
And when I dream, it slowly disappears
And when I wake, I'm right here by your side
To feel your heart beat in and out of time

When the storm brings rain, snow, fate of all kinds
You can feel most anything
When the day seems to melt, fall flat into night
You can feel most anything.
When you can't get up, you gotta get up and try
This is it, can you feel me?
When the bombs come down, we will make it alive
But only, if you wanna believe.

I'd like to say that you're my only fear
And when I dream, it slowly disappears
And when I wake, I'm right here by your side
To feel your heart beat in and out of time.

I'd like to say that you're my only fear
And when I dream, it slowly disappears
And when I wake, I'm right here by your side
To feel your heart beat in and out of time

Today Suz, Adrienne and I joined Lee at an orphanage in Puxi. It's only my second time going, but it was just as hard as the first time. Maybe it was a little bit easier, because I knew what to expect, but it was still hard. ALl the kids that we see are handicapped in some way. Some are blind, some have down syndrome, others have some physical deformities. All they do is lie in bed all day or sit in these chairs that don't allow for them to move at all. Most of the kids, whether they are handicapped since birth or not, can barely walk because they never get let out to try. It's very sad and very very emotionally draining.

As hard as it was to go today, today was a good day. I loved hanging out with Suz and Adrienne and we're researching other things to help with and other ways we can serve.

Today for the first time since I left Mexico, I heard the song Viva la Vida by Coldplay. It was the only song I listened to for the weeks I was in Mexico.

Talk about a crazy rush of memories and feelings.